*Now I do want to let this be known, I did not self diagnose, I waited until I saw my OB and we discussed a treatment plan before I decided to make this post. I do not want anyone to read this and think that I am offering medical advise, I am not. This is simply for you to see my experiences so far, and if it is something you are also feeling and just couldn't put into words I want this to serve as your opening to seek medical treatment.
When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. Heart breaking tears of sadness for the ending of my season of being a mom of 1. I didn't want Magoo to feel "shafted". I was EXREMELY grateful to be pregnant and to be bringing another little life into our family. But I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to share my time with Magoo, and I did not know how to double the love that I have for him to a second person. I didn't think it was possible. It took I want to say 6 months before I could talk about it without crying. That is when my excitement took over. I couldn't wait to see Magoo with his sister. But the first 6 months I was so scared that I would develop Postpartum Depression. I was hyper aware of my feelings. Once Chipmunk was born and she met her brother I was ready to go home and be with my babies. I was on cloud 9. Lets see, she was born on a Monday. I went home on Thursday so Wednesday was my first emotional day. I remember sitting in my hospital bed, Chipmunk was in her bassinet thing, and I was trying not to cry. Bret and I were talking and I told him "I miss Magoo and I want to go home" and I cried, again that heart breaking cry, I couldn't talk about it because I would just cry every time I thought of it. I just wanted to be home with my babies. Before we were discharged the nurse went over things to watch for. The "warning signs". I didn't give them a second listen I didn't have it with him so ill be fine. We came home Thursday, Friday we had a weight check. Saturday I sent Bret out with his friends to go golfing (it was prearranged and I was not letting him cancel) My mom came down to help me with the kids. This is where I think the signs started to show. I have a big family. Collectively 40 aunts and uncles, and over 40 first cousins. Being around people is nothing new to me. We had family come down to see the baby, which is no big deal, I wanted them to meet her. But what I wasn't expecting was to be so completely overwhelmed just sitting on the couch. That's all I was doing. was sitting but I had the feeling that I needed to get away. So mom sent me up to "rest" and as soon as I got into my room I sat on the bed and cried. Why was I feeling so overwhelmed? Its not like I wasn't used to being around people. Then I cried harder because I felt bad that I was so overwhelmed. Bret and Mom assured me that it was just because I had just had a baby and it was a lot going on.
I had a blood pressure check that next week, I went up to get a shower. I stood in the shower for 20 minutes with my face under the water crying, I don't know why I was crying. All I can say is I was sad. No particular reason I was just sad and I was bawling my eyes out in the shower. From there it turned into not wanting to go places with the kids. Places that I have always gone to and feel safe at because something might happen to them and I didn't want that to happen. The idea of leaving the house with the kids would make my heart feel like a rush of blood coming from it, it would leave me breathless and exhausted when it was done. I now know that they are panic attacks. But I never said anything to anyone. I would keep it all in and try to ignore it. The straw that broke the camels back so to speak was a few weeks ago, Labor Day weekend and the following week. Magoo fell down the stairs, I stumbled down the stairs, I was in a boot, we got into a fender bender, then He tripped when we were playing and knocked his head on the floor. That was it. every time I closed my eyes I could see him falling, then it was chipmunk hitting her head on the floor. We have carpet. everywhere. But it doesn't stop me from worrying that it will happen. Or when Magoo tosses a toy or his shoes down the steps I think its him. Even last night, I was putting Chipmunk on the floor to change her and started to get nervous, it makes me move so slowly with her.
Now I had trouble explaining how I was feeling, because everything I looked up pointed to Postpartum Depression. But that's not how I am feeling, I'm not sad. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm worried about the "what ifs". It took me 2 weeks to tell Bret that something was off. I couldn't explain it better than I'm afraid that something is going to hurt the kids. Not me, not a person but something. Then I talked to my mom. and told her the same thing. I made a doctors appointment with my OB. We talked about what was going on and she assured me that it is so common for people to have Postpartum Anxiety. And there are steps to help me cope with it. There is going to talk to someone who will help basically redirect my though process so that I don't have the "scary" thoughts, and there is medication. I chose the first route. I don't want to take medication yet. I want to try other avenues first.
Mental health is nothing to ignore. If you think you are having any symptoms talk to someone. That is the one thing I have been doing the most, talking about how I'm feeling. I don't want it to get the best of me, and I don't want it to steal this time away from my kids. So now we are on this journey together. I will keep updating on how things are going. This is a WHOLE new world for me, and talking about it makes me shaky but I want to let it be known that its OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. and its Okay to talk about!
Please if you need someone to talk to reach out, I'll be that person for you.
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