Living with Postpartum...

...Anxiety. The lesser talked about but more common than you would think postpartum syndrome. About 6% of pregnant women and 10% of postpartum women develop anxiety. You guys i'm going to be completely honest here, just sitting here writing out that first two sentences, my hands are shaking and my arms feel weak. My heart is racing and I don't want to keep going. But I need to be honest with this thing, this is going to be long, but I am going to try my best to keep it all contained and get through it as best as I can with the details I feel are most important. There might be other moms out there who are living with it and don't know it. Or they do know it and want to find other moms who they can relate to.
*Now I do want to let this be known, I did not self diagnose, I waited until I saw my OB and we discussed a treatment plan  before I decided to make this post. I do not want anyone to read this and think that I am offering medical advise, I am not. This is simply for you to see my experiences so far, and if it is something you are also feeling and just couldn't put into words I want this to serve as your opening to seek medical treatment.

I don't typically have anxiety, I have never been an anxious person. crowds never bothered me, going places doing things I was good. With Magoo I didn't have any type of anxiety, I was good the whole time. After he was born I wasn't worried about Postpartum depression, or the baby blues. I didn't even know what the baby blues were. I knew of Postpartum Depression, but I didn't know anyone who suffered from experienced it. I refuse to use the word "suffered" because we aren't suffering we are living with and experiencing it. So anyway back to what I was saying. With him it was pretty textbook, it was an exciting time and I had no worries before, during or after his pregnancy. Even when nursing and pumping were starting to become a struggle. It was all good. So I had nothing to base this time around on.

When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. Heart breaking tears of sadness for the ending of my season of being a mom of 1. I didn't want Magoo to feel "shafted". I was EXREMELY grateful to be pregnant and to be bringing another little life into our family. But I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to share my time with Magoo, and I did not know how to double the love that I have for him to a second person. I didn't think it was possible. It took I want to say 6 months before I could talk about it without crying. That is when my excitement took over. I couldn't wait to see Magoo with his sister. But the first 6 months I was so scared that I would develop Postpartum Depression. I was hyper aware of my feelings. Once Chipmunk was born and she met her brother I was ready to go home and be with my babies. I was on cloud 9. Lets see, she was born on a Monday. I went home on Thursday so Wednesday was my first emotional day. I remember sitting in my hospital bed, Chipmunk was in her bassinet thing, and I was trying not to cry. Bret and I were talking and I told him "I miss Magoo and I want to go home" and I cried, again that heart breaking cry, I couldn't talk about it because I would just cry every time I thought of it. I just wanted to be home with my babies. Before we were discharged the nurse went over things to watch for. The "warning signs". I didn't give them a second listen I didn't have it with him so ill be fine.

We came home Thursday, Friday we had a weight check. Saturday I sent Bret out with his friends to go golfing (it was prearranged and I was not letting him cancel) My mom came down to help me with the kids. This is where I think the signs started to show. I have a big family. Collectively 40  aunts and uncles, and over 40 first cousins. Being around people is nothing new to me. We had family come down to see the baby, which is no big deal, I wanted them to meet her. But what I wasn't expecting was to be so completely overwhelmed just sitting on the couch. That's all I was doing. was sitting but I had the feeling that I needed to get away. So mom sent me up to "rest" and as soon as I got into my room I sat on the bed and cried. Why was I feeling so overwhelmed? Its not like I wasn't used to being around people. Then I cried harder because I felt bad that I was so overwhelmed. Bret and Mom assured me that it was just because I had just had a baby and it was a lot going on.

I had a blood pressure check that next week, I went up to get a shower. I stood in the shower for 20 minutes with my face under the water crying, I don't know why I was crying. All I can say is I was sad. No particular reason I was just sad and I was bawling my eyes out in the shower. From there it turned into not wanting to go places with the kids. Places that I have always gone to and feel safe at because something might happen to them and I didn't want that to happen. The idea of leaving the house with the kids would make my heart feel like a rush of blood coming from it, it would leave me breathless and exhausted when it was done. I now know that they are panic attacks. But I never said anything to anyone. I would keep it all in and try to ignore it.

The straw that broke the camels back so to speak was a few weeks ago, Labor Day weekend and the following week. Magoo fell down the stairs, I stumbled down the stairs, I was in a boot, we got into a fender bender, then  He tripped when we were playing and knocked his head on the floor. That was it. every time I closed my eyes I could see him falling, then it was chipmunk hitting her head on the floor. We have carpet. everywhere. But it doesn't stop me from worrying that it will happen. Or when Magoo tosses a toy or his shoes down the steps I think its him. Even last night, I was putting Chipmunk on the floor to change her and started to get nervous, it makes me move so slowly with her.


Now I had trouble explaining how I was feeling, because everything I looked up pointed to Postpartum Depression. But that's not how I am feeling, I'm not sad. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm worried about the "what ifs". It took me 2 weeks to tell Bret that something was off. I couldn't explain it better than I'm afraid that something is going to hurt the kids. Not me, not a person but something. Then I talked to my mom. and told her the same thing. I made a doctors appointment with my OB. We talked about what was going on and she assured me that it is so common for people to have Postpartum Anxiety. And there are steps to help me cope with it. There is going to talk to someone who will help basically redirect my though process so that I don't have the "scary" thoughts, and there is medication. I chose the first route. I don't want to take medication yet. I want to try other avenues first.

Mental health is nothing to ignore. If you think you are having any symptoms talk to someone. That is the one thing I have been doing the most, talking about how  I'm feeling. I don't want it to get the best of me, and I don't want it to steal this time away from my kids. So now we are on this journey together. I will keep updating on how things are going. This is a WHOLE new world for me, and talking about it makes me shaky but I want to let it be known that its OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. and its Okay to talk about!

Please if you need someone to talk to reach out, I'll be that person for you.

But what about the Poop...

.... is the biggest question I get when we tell people that we cloth diaper. That and "Oh no that will never last, you'll buy regular diapers soon". Oh, oh, and "I could never touch poop it would make me gag."

Lets be real, when you think of cloth diapers you think of the pins, and diaper services, and 1952. Cloth diapers have come such a far way from then. When Magoo was born I toyed with the idea of doing cloth diapers. But in the end we did what was "easier". I kick myself every day when I think of the money that we literally threw away, covered in poo. Instead of it being washed and reused. To be fair and honest we didn't have an apartment with laundry in the unit until I was 8.5 months pregnant with Magoo, and had already purchased "sposies" at that time. And we didn't know ANYTHING about it. My brother in law was doing cloth for his daughter at the time but we were young and didn't now any better. We do now, and would never go back.


Why did we decide to cloth Chipmunk? Well that's really easy to explain, we were trying to find any way we could save money with having 2 kids that we would be putting in daycare. Between life bills and daycare, adding an additional $200 or more a moth in diapers was not in the cards. We needed to find a way to make it all work, and that's when I really started doing my research into cloth diapers. Also they are so fa-reaking adorable!

Is it hard to Cloth diaper?
    Nope! Its just doing another load of laundry. Now of course there can be hiccups when it comes to washing your cloth diapers. For instance you need to check if you have hard water, and you need to have a good washing routine. Without a good wash routine  you will not love cloth diapers. They will stink, or they wont hold in the pee and poo anymore. You can strip your diapers, they tell you not to do it too often because it will bread down the diapers. We bought some pre-loved diapers. I did a bleach soak on them in cold water, then in HOT water I rinsed them off. Threw them in the washer on HOT and did a wash. They are basically brand new. If you really think about it, its not hard. Its just another load or two of laundry a week. I don't know about you, but Id rather pay slightly more for electricity. Instead of paying an extra 200.00 or more a month for something you're only going to throw away. I'm going to be completely honest here. We were gifted disposable diapers, and we used disposable diapers in the hospital. I was SCARED to switch from what I knew and was used to, to trying something new that no one else in my circle of family or friends used. But we weren't buying disposable diapers so I had to suck it up and use the diapers we had.
But really, what about the poop? So I breastfeed Chipmunk, because well again the price was right.(I am going to do another post all about our nursing journey soon, so stay tuned.) And EBF (Exclusively Breast Fed) poop is completely water soluble. Which means I just throw it in the washer, do a pre wash with half a cap of  laundry detergent, then a full wash with 1.5 caps of detergent in HOT water. and its all gone. We have no stinks at all. We do have one or two diapers that stain, but let me tell you the BEST stain lifer we have ever used and it was completely free.... the Sun. Yep we just pulled a diaper out of the washer and then laid it out in the sun and BOOM all the stains were gone. it was amazeballs! Once she is on solids we will plop the poop in the toilet and flush it away just like  everyone else does with their poop.

Why buy the fancy ones if you're going to cover them? Well, what do your underwear look like? Its pretty much the same thing. Only her cloth diapers can double as pants. once she is bigger ill throw on some baby legs (if you know where I can get any, leave me a comment) and a t shirt and she will be good to go. Right now if she's not in jammies or a onesie she's just in a diaper. Let me tell you, I read about the clot diaper addiction, and was like yeah... ok.... sure you are addicted to buying them. IT HAPPENS. I am currently on the hunt for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She needs to have holiday diapers. I also am looking to get away from using pockets as much and want to use some AIO's (all in ones). There are different types and fabrics to use, and inserts, and then there are flats and covers. There is so much to talk about when it comes to Cloth diapers. I never would have imagined in a million years that I would be blogging about cloth dipers, but here I am. I plan to do another post on the different types that we have used and which ones are my favorites and why, so stay tuned for that as well!

Okay I think I have bored you all to death gone on long enough about why we use cloth diapers and what we do with the poop. If you are thinking about doing cloth diapers for your kids DO IT, you wont regret it. Even if your family turns their noses up to it and they tell you " you'll never be able to do it, you'll be using regular diapers within a week" keep with it just to show them they are wrong.

If you are interested in having Chipmunk as a brand rep for your diapers leave me a comment!

Magoo is Four....

.... I knew that the time would go fast. I just didn't realize it would go SO fast.

They always tell you don't blink because next thing you know they will be in school, then graduating, then married. Stop! I cant even get that far ahead it makes me cry like a baby to think of my Magoo growing up.

Its been 4 years but I remember everything about that day (that I can remember) like it just happened. The devastating part is I have vague memories of his actual birth. It absolutely breaks my heart. But I remember hearing that little cry for the first time. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. So sweet and he has not changed at all. He is such a little love, he loves to help out with EVERYTHING and is getting so independent. He wants to do it all, loves to help his daddy on the grill, help me do the dished and loves to sing and dance for his sister.

Last night I tucked in a 3 year old, before we went to bed at 130am Bret and I stood in his room looking at him. He was 4, that quickly our little toddler became a big boy. We tucked him in kissed his head and then went to sleep. This morning Chipmunk and I sang "Happy Birthday" to wake him up.  We sang it on the way to school, and everyone who knows him told him happy birthday today. This kid touches lives every day, so today we celebrate wonderful, wonderful Magoo.

We are honored to be your parents, and sister. We want to wish you the very happiest 4th birthday Magoober! Tonight we will read "On the Night You Were Born" and tuck you in and reminisce on that miraculous night 4 years ago when you changed my world.

I love you very much!

Love,

Mommy

Baby makes Four....

... So, I decided that I wanted my first official trying to get back into this whole blog business to be about Miss A, or Chipmunk as she is know around our house. This is a LONG POST. You have been warned!!

It all started in November, well actually October we celebrated our anniversary 😉, Fast forward I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not... So I took a test (SEE BELOW) . As you can see it was not positive or at least I didn't and don't see it positive. So I decided at that point we needed a backup birth control because clearly the one we were using just wasn't cutting it. I made an OBGYN appointment and they told me I couldn't get birth control because I was pregnant. So of course I called my Best Friend first CLEARLY that's what you do. She talked me down because I was FREAKING OUT.

I still don't see it!

Lets be honest here, I LOVED the idea of having more kids. I loved that Magoo might be a big brother ONE DAY. That day was not supposed to happen so soon. I needed more time with it just being the 3 of us. I needed to hold onto my first baby for as long as I could. God had a different plan for us. So I went to work and told my boss, that was nerve wracking. I decided I wanted to tell Bret in a "fun" way because with Magoo he was there for the test taking. And I wanted to actually read What to Expect when You're Expecting this time around. So when we got home I found the book in Magoo's book shelf, and told him to take it to daddy. Brets reaction was shock I think, could also be because magoo dropped it on his lap in the bathroom? Who knows, But then we went to the dollar store and I took about 2 or 3 more tests JUST to be sure.

And after that it was a textbook pregnancy, literally no issues. I did have to have ultra sounds every month because of my BMI. Which really meant once a month I got to see Baby girl which was so comforting. At 32 weeks I had to have Non- Stress Tests (NST) to make sure that she was alright in there. She had us sent to Triage 3 times. Third time was the charm and she was born. Did you need all that back story to hear her birth srory? Yes, yes you did.

It started on June 23, 2018 we went to a birthday party for my boss at a park. It was warm out but not hot, I kept hydrated. Magoo played with the other kids it was a good time. Both Bret and I started to get headaches so we cut out a little early and headed home as we had an hour drive. I went to get my hair cut, just like I did before Magoo was born. Fast forward to Sunday, Magoo and I went to my moms house for my brothers 13th Birthday, I still had the headache but it was so mild I was not concerned I again was very well hydrated and stayed off my feet as much as possible. That night I had THE WORST migraine ever. I mean I was dreaming about how terrible the headache was. When I woke up on June 25, 2018 I knew it was going to be a long day.

I tried everything I could think of to get rid of the headache, except taking medicine for it. I NEVER take medicine and I was not about to start while pregnant. I had an OB appointment that afternoon so I called to see if they wanted me to come in earlier. Of course I had to leave a message, the nurse called back. I missed it. By that time I was already leaving for the appointment so I just figured I would tell them when I got there. When the nurse took me back I told her right away, I've had a headache all day and its not going away or getting better. My Blood pressure was a little high. My OB came in, I told her what was going on and she told me " you earned yourself a trip to triage, lets sign the consent forms incase we decide to deliver you". I happily signed the forms.

I left the office called my work told them I wasn't coming back and was probably having a baby, then I called my mom asked her to pick up magoo from school, and then I called Bret 213554 times. He FINALLY answered I told him "listen I have to go to triage, I want you to come because I think we are having a baby today". I drove home got him then headed to triage. You know when you just know, that something is going to happen. Like somehow you just know it. I knew that we were having our baby that day. When we got into triage and the OB on call walked in and I just knew it meant we were having a baby! We were initially told that it would be around 9 because of the last time I ate and the anesthesiologist wanted me to wait. But then they said between 6 or 7 would be safe for our C-Section.

We walked back a little bit before 8 pm. They took me in and the team that I had was AMAZING! As soon as I walked into the OR my legs got shaky. This time was COMPLETELY different from when Magoo was born. I was awake and didn't go through hours of pushing to end up there. I just worked all day. They explained everything that was going to happen. It calmed me down so much! They numbed me, got me all ready to go. Bret came in, they started the surgery and at 8:04 PM our daughter was born. Let me tell you, sitting here right now I am hit with all the emotions that I had at that exact moment. She was 6 lbs 12 oz and 21in long. And she is pure perfection!

Big Brother, Mimi, Aunt Laci and Uncle Ryan came to meet Miss A the next morning. When they walked in Magoo said to me " Mommy why is my baby not in your belly?" He was scared of her at first because she was SO SMALL. Now they simply adore each other. Here we are 5 days short of Magoos 4th Birthday and Chipmunks 3 month milestone, I cant believe its already been 3 months. Now we are a family of 4. I would not want it any other way!

If you made it this far, thank you. I have so many things I want to talk to you about. But that will have to wait for next time. I PROMISE they wont all be a small novel.

Until Next time...