So here we are again...

 ...it’s been just about a year. Are we surprised? No? me either... see the thing is I’ve wanted to write this blog for the longest time. And I’ve started it a million times and I’ve erased every word. Wanna know why? Because i feel shame with for how I’m feeling. I have an amazing husband and two kids who light up a room and I feel lonely. And even though I’m constantly surrounded by people and 98% of the time someone is physically touching me I feel alone. 

So then I started to try and figure out why that is, and it’s a depressing realization. I have my husband and I have a few friends here in Florida and a handful acquaintances but I don’t have anyone that I can pick up the phone and say “hey let’s go get a coffee”, or “I need a girls night I’m coming over” or “I need to go walk the beach you in”. But the sad realization hit me last night talking to B I don’t have a tribe. And the people that I do have that I know if I called them and said I need to talk and they would listen well they have their own shit going on they don’t need to be burdened with my ramblings. 

We lost my father in law 9 months ago, so I’ve been in caregiver mode. What does that mean for me? Pushing through getting up every day and working and taking care of the kids and trying to keep the stress off B because I’m sure he’s got a lot on his mind. So I take the brunt of what needs done and do it. I feel guilty the few times I go out and if I’m being honest I don’t go out because I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving him to parent the kids. Oh and add the guilt for being a SHITTY housewife and the constant mess that’s around. But no never voicing this to him because how can I feel guilty or down or sad, he lost his dad. That matters more right? I’m not allowed to be anything other than the caregiver right? 

I have a million reason to be the happiest person in the world, and on the surface I bet it looks like that, but I am so lonely and sad 98% of the time, I take it out on the kids then cry because I feel guilty for yelling at them or pushing them off on the tv.And a smile hides a lot. I have my escape of reading. In the last 4.5 months I have read over 100 books, for no other reason than to escape reality for a bit. How can I say those word out loud to someone? How can I say those words without someone wanting to drop me off at a loony bin? 

I guess the worst part is feeling like not one person would bat an eye if I wasn’t around. No, I’m not planning to off myself. This is not a call for help. I feel like if to faded to the background would anyone notice? What is it about me that makes me special to people? Why do I stand out for people to want me around? It can’t be my looks, and my personality sucks. I’m blunt, people don’t like that I say the hard things to your face that most people say behind your back. I feel like I’m very easily replaceable. I’m sure someone with a lot of letters will find something from my childhood to link that too. 

Idk what this means, I guess I just needed to get the words out because I can be a burden to this blog, it’s mine if you read it that’s your choice. It’s not me calling or texting you to listen to my bullshit, but I can tell you I feel like a weight has been lifted, I guess an outlet is good. Who knows.

Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. 

Grief is strange...

...It starts with something simple, for me it’s the smell of the house. And it’s not a smell I can explain to anyone. It’s not a stale smell, it’s not a gross smell. It’s distinct, it’s a smell I smelled for weeks. To this day I will get a whiff and be transported back there, but now I choose to think that is when you are with me, really with me.

As I get older it’s getting harder to process  and I’m not sure why. But I’ve been actively trying to keep busy otherwise I’m sitting and stare off and the memories play in my mind like a movie and if you’ve heard the story, well you’d get it. It’s one I’ve watched a lot. 19 years later and I can see details as if I were there again. But it’s different I’m watching as though I’m an outsider, im watching the 11 year old girl sitting in her dads car on Father’s Day and I can remember hearing that little voice “just go, there’s nothing back inside the house for you. Just go to your dads” I’m watching  as though it’s not my house I walked into later that day, as if it’s not my house that the ambulance, fire truck and police cars are sitting in front of.

I’m watching those heart breaking scene play out where the crowd of neighbors start to gather and watch.  No one wanting to ask directly what is going on. But they’ve all figured it out. That little girl who grew up REAL fast that day trying to make sense of what is happening, and yelling at everyone to just go back in your houses and to “mind your own damn business”. I relive the memories of that day in my mind once in a while but every year they flood in and there’s no stopping them. But like I said they play like a movie, maybe it’s a coping mechanism. But I can see the scene after the police leave, and the ambulance leaves and now it’s the waiting game. I can see that girl standing on her friends porch talking to them. But I can’t tell you what they talked about I have absolutely no idea. Then she looks at her cousin across the street on the phone , both girls look up the street and see it. The hearse,  is on its way down the street. The girls share a look. That 11 year old crosses to her older cousin and they hold hands as they walk into a new phase of their lives.

Does that sounds incredibly dramatic? I’d call it traumatic but to each their own, it’s my memory. And it’s how I remember it. As I sit here and type this that smell I mentioned comes in and out. Could it be because I’m remembering the day you left? I have so many questions, and no one has the answers for me.

Mam, was it your voice  that day telling me to just go down dads? Had you already passed away as I sat out front in the car.  What would have happened if I came back inside the house could I have saved you that day? Because if I went back in then mom would have gone back in and you wouldn’t have been alone. Was it quick, you didn’t feel any pain did you? And that night at aunt Eileen’s it was you  that hand I felt on my shoulder. The one I reached for but wasn’t there. It was you wasn’t it? I may have only been 11. But I remember things so clearly.

You know I talk about you to my kids. They know “On the Way to Cape May” and they both stare over my right shoulder. Addison still does and she stares like she sees someone there. It’s you isn’t it?
Julie told me about the dream she had where you were walking behind me with your hand on my right shoulder, but I never told her about that night.

No one tells you how to grieve, and no one tells you how after 19 years it can hit you hard how much you miss someone and how much you wish they were there to chat with. Everyone says it gets easier with time. That may be true, and most of the time I’d agree with you. but this year is hard maybe because I understand different things now that I didn’t know or understand before.

I didn’t expect to write this blog. I had a heavy heart and an attitude all day, tomorrow marks 19 years since you left. And damn it’s a hard one for me to live through. This was supposed to be a quick Instagram post but I guess I had more to say that I have never said before.

This ones for you ...

You looked so very pretty, when we met in Ocean City,
Like someone, oh, so easy to adore.
I sang this little ditty, on our way to Ocean City,
Heading south along New Jersey's shore.

On the way to Cape May, I fell in love with you.On the way to Cape May, I saw my dreams come true.I was taken by your smile, as we drifted by Sea Isle.My heart was really gone when we reached Avalon.On the way to Cape May, Stone Harbor's skies were blue.We were naming the day when Wildwood came in view.If you're gonna be my spouse, we'd better head for that Court HouseOn the way to Cape May,On the way to Cape May.

Until next time...

Life has been...

... a little rough lately, if I’m being honest. I’m sure you don’t remember that a few months back I   was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. Well let’s just say the holidays and all the fun (and family crap)  that comes along with it was extremely overwhelming. I thought i was handling it all ok until I took Chipmunk for her 6months update and they gave me the postpartum screening. I don’t remember my answers but the pediatrician checked in with me told me my numbers were higher this time for postpartum depression and anxiety and wanted to make sure I was ok. You guys, my hands started to shake, my heart started to race it was bananas. I have no problem talking about my anxiety when I start the conversation, but when someone else does. That’s a completely different story.

Now to say it’s been crazy is an understatement, we have had never ending colds, and sicknesses. I was in the Er with what we thought was a TIA or a mini stroke. Don’tworry your girls ok. The holidays happened and drama along with it as stated above. That can be wrapped up with I was raised by my mother who taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything st all. And I’ve been EXTREMELY silent. It’s scary. Then we hit a pothole the size of a small dog which dented the passenger side tires, we needed a tow, while waiting for said tow the battery died.i ran to get bret from the gym with the kids and came home to our front door open, the police determined it was the wind because I took the lessser of two evils and just closed the door, don’t worry we make sure it’s locked st all times now.

 It’s been a little too much, that I started to lose who I was I started to get depressed. How can I tell? Well for one I broke down the other night and told Bret that I can’t anymore, that if I didn’t HAVE to get up every day I wouldn’t. That I eat only because I’m nursing but I have no real desire to, and that not to be gross but it had been a solid 2 weeks since I had showered (at the time). It’s a strange place to be when you have never been there before. I ugly cried and my husband said to me, “it’s okay for you to talk to someone. Everyone needs it sometimes” you guys he told me it was OKAY to not be okay. I’ve said it before and I said it as often as I can.  It I hear it from an outside source. Do you have ANY idea how much that helped me? He then went and ran the shower and lovingly pushed me in the bathroom and held the door closed because... well sanitary issues and all.

So this week I turned the big 29, and I unleaded all of the latest on my best friend, my sister, my person. It took me so long to say anything to her because she has her own life and her own things going on. She doesn’t need my mess but she  told me ”you take a gut punch like a champ” then proceeded to tell me to get my shit together. But was WAY nicer than that. This girl gets me in a way that my husband never will understand and he is ok with it. She is the person that knows when I hesitate to answer a text excerpt the thoughts going through my head. She just knows. Even when I don’t say anything exactly what I need. And if you have a person like this in your life don’t ever let them go. They are the most precious people you will ever have. And I miss her dearly every single day.

So where was I going with this? Well I wanted to give you an update. Life is wild, and I’m trying my hardest to navigate it. I want to grow this blog to be more I was to do product reviews and I want to be a place where other moms can come and say that’s me! I am in that same boat. I want this to be a safe place. So let’s try that for a bit, shall we? I am hoping to get a few products to here to try out with the kids and around the house to review (all on my own because... gotta start somewhere) and we will go from there. Until I can I will keep you updated on how I’m doing and check in below leave me a comment, follow me on Instagram @chrissy_g1024 and let’s be friends!

Until next time!

Living with Postpartum...

...Anxiety. The lesser talked about but more common than you would think postpartum syndrome. About 6% of pregnant women and 10% of postpartum women develop anxiety. You guys i'm going to be completely honest here, just sitting here writing out that first two sentences, my hands are shaking and my arms feel weak. My heart is racing and I don't want to keep going. But I need to be honest with this thing, this is going to be long, but I am going to try my best to keep it all contained and get through it as best as I can with the details I feel are most important. There might be other moms out there who are living with it and don't know it. Or they do know it and want to find other moms who they can relate to.
*Now I do want to let this be known, I did not self diagnose, I waited until I saw my OB and we discussed a treatment plan  before I decided to make this post. I do not want anyone to read this and think that I am offering medical advise, I am not. This is simply for you to see my experiences so far, and if it is something you are also feeling and just couldn't put into words I want this to serve as your opening to seek medical treatment.

I don't typically have anxiety, I have never been an anxious person. crowds never bothered me, going places doing things I was good. With Magoo I didn't have any type of anxiety, I was good the whole time. After he was born I wasn't worried about Postpartum depression, or the baby blues. I didn't even know what the baby blues were. I knew of Postpartum Depression, but I didn't know anyone who suffered from experienced it. I refuse to use the word "suffered" because we aren't suffering we are living with and experiencing it. So anyway back to what I was saying. With him it was pretty textbook, it was an exciting time and I had no worries before, during or after his pregnancy. Even when nursing and pumping were starting to become a struggle. It was all good. So I had nothing to base this time around on.

When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. Heart breaking tears of sadness for the ending of my season of being a mom of 1. I didn't want Magoo to feel "shafted". I was EXREMELY grateful to be pregnant and to be bringing another little life into our family. But I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to share my time with Magoo, and I did not know how to double the love that I have for him to a second person. I didn't think it was possible. It took I want to say 6 months before I could talk about it without crying. That is when my excitement took over. I couldn't wait to see Magoo with his sister. But the first 6 months I was so scared that I would develop Postpartum Depression. I was hyper aware of my feelings. Once Chipmunk was born and she met her brother I was ready to go home and be with my babies. I was on cloud 9. Lets see, she was born on a Monday. I went home on Thursday so Wednesday was my first emotional day. I remember sitting in my hospital bed, Chipmunk was in her bassinet thing, and I was trying not to cry. Bret and I were talking and I told him "I miss Magoo and I want to go home" and I cried, again that heart breaking cry, I couldn't talk about it because I would just cry every time I thought of it. I just wanted to be home with my babies. Before we were discharged the nurse went over things to watch for. The "warning signs". I didn't give them a second listen I didn't have it with him so ill be fine.

We came home Thursday, Friday we had a weight check. Saturday I sent Bret out with his friends to go golfing (it was prearranged and I was not letting him cancel) My mom came down to help me with the kids. This is where I think the signs started to show. I have a big family. Collectively 40  aunts and uncles, and over 40 first cousins. Being around people is nothing new to me. We had family come down to see the baby, which is no big deal, I wanted them to meet her. But what I wasn't expecting was to be so completely overwhelmed just sitting on the couch. That's all I was doing. was sitting but I had the feeling that I needed to get away. So mom sent me up to "rest" and as soon as I got into my room I sat on the bed and cried. Why was I feeling so overwhelmed? Its not like I wasn't used to being around people. Then I cried harder because I felt bad that I was so overwhelmed. Bret and Mom assured me that it was just because I had just had a baby and it was a lot going on.

I had a blood pressure check that next week, I went up to get a shower. I stood in the shower for 20 minutes with my face under the water crying, I don't know why I was crying. All I can say is I was sad. No particular reason I was just sad and I was bawling my eyes out in the shower. From there it turned into not wanting to go places with the kids. Places that I have always gone to and feel safe at because something might happen to them and I didn't want that to happen. The idea of leaving the house with the kids would make my heart feel like a rush of blood coming from it, it would leave me breathless and exhausted when it was done. I now know that they are panic attacks. But I never said anything to anyone. I would keep it all in and try to ignore it.

The straw that broke the camels back so to speak was a few weeks ago, Labor Day weekend and the following week. Magoo fell down the stairs, I stumbled down the stairs, I was in a boot, we got into a fender bender, then  He tripped when we were playing and knocked his head on the floor. That was it. every time I closed my eyes I could see him falling, then it was chipmunk hitting her head on the floor. We have carpet. everywhere. But it doesn't stop me from worrying that it will happen. Or when Magoo tosses a toy or his shoes down the steps I think its him. Even last night, I was putting Chipmunk on the floor to change her and started to get nervous, it makes me move so slowly with her.


Now I had trouble explaining how I was feeling, because everything I looked up pointed to Postpartum Depression. But that's not how I am feeling, I'm not sad. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm worried about the "what ifs". It took me 2 weeks to tell Bret that something was off. I couldn't explain it better than I'm afraid that something is going to hurt the kids. Not me, not a person but something. Then I talked to my mom. and told her the same thing. I made a doctors appointment with my OB. We talked about what was going on and she assured me that it is so common for people to have Postpartum Anxiety. And there are steps to help me cope with it. There is going to talk to someone who will help basically redirect my though process so that I don't have the "scary" thoughts, and there is medication. I chose the first route. I don't want to take medication yet. I want to try other avenues first.

Mental health is nothing to ignore. If you think you are having any symptoms talk to someone. That is the one thing I have been doing the most, talking about how  I'm feeling. I don't want it to get the best of me, and I don't want it to steal this time away from my kids. So now we are on this journey together. I will keep updating on how things are going. This is a WHOLE new world for me, and talking about it makes me shaky but I want to let it be known that its OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. and its Okay to talk about!

Please if you need someone to talk to reach out, I'll be that person for you.

Game Changer...

... I recently started branching out on my Instagram and following companies and boutiques that are geared towards kids because that's what my ENTIRE day revolves around, My kids.

So as I was mass following all the bow botiques and trying to find ones that had stuff for Magoo and Chipmunk I came across the brand Caboosee (www.caboosee.com). If you haven't heard of them you NEED to look them up. We message back and forth and I HAD to try the 24/7 suit. Here is why... It stops the sniff detection AND the stick you finder in the diaper and pray to god you don't come out with a poop filled nail.

I mean do you see why I was excited to try it.

Here's the next thing that I LOVED about it once I got it, it was one of the softest things I have held in a long time. you can never been to sure when ordering online how something will feel. I just kept rubbing it on my face saying how soft it was. No im not kidding, yes I am aware how it looked. So here I have size 3-6 months. I ordered it a little bigger because we have a fluff butt. So I accommodate for our cloth diapers.  Let me tell you, these fit over Cloth diapers so well. I LOVE IT! have I said that enough?

I even challenged Bret to see how easy it was to check her diaper. Was he happy I took photographic evidence? Nope, did I do it anyway? Yep I sure did...

And here it is on Chipmunk, She was asleep and not happy that I was moving her around. She was fussy that night and when I put this outfit on her she settled down and fell asleep. It had to be that comfortable for her.

 

There are is 1 other style in 2 colors. They are long pants with fold over feet to make Jammies. I mean come on have you heard of anything more brilliant?! I cant wait to order them too. I said to Bret "cards on the table, we are ordering the long pants too" I can not say enough good things about them. Even the shipping time was EXTREAMLY reasonable it took 4 days for us to get the onesie. Trust me when I tell you its worth checking out!

 

Check them out www.caboosee.com and use code 247 at check out to get 2 24/7 Suits for $40.00 and tell them Addie Sent you!

 

Baby makes Four....

... So, I decided that I wanted my first official trying to get back into this whole blog business to be about Miss A, or Chipmunk as she is know around our house. This is a LONG POST. You have been warned!!

It all started in November, well actually October we celebrated our anniversary 😉, Fast forward I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not... So I took a test (SEE BELOW) . As you can see it was not positive or at least I didn't and don't see it positive. So I decided at that point we needed a backup birth control because clearly the one we were using just wasn't cutting it. I made an OBGYN appointment and they told me I couldn't get birth control because I was pregnant. So of course I called my Best Friend first CLEARLY that's what you do. She talked me down because I was FREAKING OUT.

I still don't see it!

Lets be honest here, I LOVED the idea of having more kids. I loved that Magoo might be a big brother ONE DAY. That day was not supposed to happen so soon. I needed more time with it just being the 3 of us. I needed to hold onto my first baby for as long as I could. God had a different plan for us. So I went to work and told my boss, that was nerve wracking. I decided I wanted to tell Bret in a "fun" way because with Magoo he was there for the test taking. And I wanted to actually read What to Expect when You're Expecting this time around. So when we got home I found the book in Magoo's book shelf, and told him to take it to daddy. Brets reaction was shock I think, could also be because magoo dropped it on his lap in the bathroom? Who knows, But then we went to the dollar store and I took about 2 or 3 more tests JUST to be sure.

And after that it was a textbook pregnancy, literally no issues. I did have to have ultra sounds every month because of my BMI. Which really meant once a month I got to see Baby girl which was so comforting. At 32 weeks I had to have Non- Stress Tests (NST) to make sure that she was alright in there. She had us sent to Triage 3 times. Third time was the charm and she was born. Did you need all that back story to hear her birth srory? Yes, yes you did.

It started on June 23, 2018 we went to a birthday party for my boss at a park. It was warm out but not hot, I kept hydrated. Magoo played with the other kids it was a good time. Both Bret and I started to get headaches so we cut out a little early and headed home as we had an hour drive. I went to get my hair cut, just like I did before Magoo was born. Fast forward to Sunday, Magoo and I went to my moms house for my brothers 13th Birthday, I still had the headache but it was so mild I was not concerned I again was very well hydrated and stayed off my feet as much as possible. That night I had THE WORST migraine ever. I mean I was dreaming about how terrible the headache was. When I woke up on June 25, 2018 I knew it was going to be a long day.

I tried everything I could think of to get rid of the headache, except taking medicine for it. I NEVER take medicine and I was not about to start while pregnant. I had an OB appointment that afternoon so I called to see if they wanted me to come in earlier. Of course I had to leave a message, the nurse called back. I missed it. By that time I was already leaving for the appointment so I just figured I would tell them when I got there. When the nurse took me back I told her right away, I've had a headache all day and its not going away or getting better. My Blood pressure was a little high. My OB came in, I told her what was going on and she told me " you earned yourself a trip to triage, lets sign the consent forms incase we decide to deliver you". I happily signed the forms.

I left the office called my work told them I wasn't coming back and was probably having a baby, then I called my mom asked her to pick up magoo from school, and then I called Bret 213554 times. He FINALLY answered I told him "listen I have to go to triage, I want you to come because I think we are having a baby today". I drove home got him then headed to triage. You know when you just know, that something is going to happen. Like somehow you just know it. I knew that we were having our baby that day. When we got into triage and the OB on call walked in and I just knew it meant we were having a baby! We were initially told that it would be around 9 because of the last time I ate and the anesthesiologist wanted me to wait. But then they said between 6 or 7 would be safe for our C-Section.

We walked back a little bit before 8 pm. They took me in and the team that I had was AMAZING! As soon as I walked into the OR my legs got shaky. This time was COMPLETELY different from when Magoo was born. I was awake and didn't go through hours of pushing to end up there. I just worked all day. They explained everything that was going to happen. It calmed me down so much! They numbed me, got me all ready to go. Bret came in, they started the surgery and at 8:04 PM our daughter was born. Let me tell you, sitting here right now I am hit with all the emotions that I had at that exact moment. She was 6 lbs 12 oz and 21in long. And she is pure perfection!

Big Brother, Mimi, Aunt Laci and Uncle Ryan came to meet Miss A the next morning. When they walked in Magoo said to me " Mommy why is my baby not in your belly?" He was scared of her at first because she was SO SMALL. Now they simply adore each other. Here we are 5 days short of Magoos 4th Birthday and Chipmunks 3 month milestone, I cant believe its already been 3 months. Now we are a family of 4. I would not want it any other way!

If you made it this far, thank you. I have so many things I want to talk to you about. But that will have to wait for next time. I PROMISE they wont all be a small novel.

Until Next time...

WOW I am really bad at this

Listen, I get it. Ive never be a "dear diary" girl because life happens and then I forget to write about life.

Its been just shy of 2 years since I was all " Im going to get fit" spoiler alert, it didn't happen.

Heres a QUICK recap of the last year and a half, READY? GO...


Magoo learned to use the potty!!!

We went to Florida for a wedding, It was beautiful!

Magoo played soccer...



We moved into our own place

Then this happened....

We went back to Florida for Another wedding ,and this was by far my favorite Wedding ever!



Which brought us to June and we welcomed Our Little Chipmunk...

AAWWWWW Isnt she so cute?!

Yes I think she is...

So as you can see its not that I didn't want to write in this little blog of mine. Its that I have been INSANELY busy. But you know what. I am learning so many new things being a mom of 2. Its wild how different it all is.

We are in a new world here with Miss A. We are cloth diapering, which will be a while new post in itself. But I want to get back to this. I love doing it and its a good way for me to keep some memories alive and to meet new moms, or dads, or people who like to read blogs that are updated once every year and a half... heh...

I hope ya stick around because I have some ideas in mind for this bad boy.

Is this one of those....

... "New Year, New Me"  posts, that only last for a week or two?

No. It's not.

This is one of those " I have had this post sitting on my draft board for months, but I'm now scared brave enough to post it" blogs.

This isn't going to be about resolutions. It's about realizations. It's about looking at myself and saying what I'm  sure, crosses plenty of people's minds "Oh girlllll, you're fat!".

There I said, well I typed it.

And I'm letting the internet read my biggest insecurity. I mean let's be honest, im relatively funny, I have a pretty decent personality... (sometimes) and I'm great at sarcastic commentary. But the one thing I am not is self confident. I know I have a lot to offer. But in today's world I'm an outlaw simply because I am bigger. I could be friends with who I am. But I'm embarrassed by her. It's a sad reality. But at the same time, It's liberating. Because I have taken the first step. I have admitted that I have a problem.

And now I'm moving in to the second step. I'm getting off my hiney, (figuratively speaking), And doing something about it! This isn't going to be one of those "I have the secret of the universe to weight loss" changes. This is going to be one of the "tired moms guide to liking who the heck she is" changes. Starting with enlisting my husband to prep my lunches. If I had it my way I would have speaghetti O's every day. Apparently that's not a good cohice. I digress. 70% of weight loss is in the kitchen. So it's baby steps for me cutting things and it slowly but that need to be cut out. Like soda. Done ✔. Next is sugar. And eventually coffee. But thats the FINAL step because, murdering someone isn't number one on my list.

As of today I am on day1 of 13 of drinking a gallon of water a day to flush out my toxins and restart myself. It just so happened to be the beginning of the week. Again none of this new year new me stuff. I'm still the same lovable, forgetful, clumsy person I was in 2016.

So I hope you stick around and enjoy this mess. Ha im sure it will be...

As always until next time,

I havent peed...

... Without an audience in months! And the reason I tell you that is because I haven't had time alone long enough to finish this blog since before I wrote the last one. I know that sounds crazy. I write this on my phone in the few minutes in the morning before the boys wake up. Or in the bathroom at work. #classy! There is not much at all to catch up on. Mainly because I don't feel as though my day to day is all that
I had a whole get rich quick scheme in mind when I started to do this. I thought I will write a blog. It can't be that hard. Boy was I ever wrong. It's pretty hard to dedicate yourself to something like this. Especially when you don't see a reason for anyone ( even your husband, who you force) to read it. I'm completely honestly not that interesting. But I thought. I know I will start a blog and I'll be sassy, and funny and people will love me. They will forgive my run on sentences, and misspelled words. And I will possibly make some money doing this. Ha jokes on me. Because that only works if you work at it. Nothing comes free. Hot damn does that saying hold so true with this little hobby of mine.

I guess biggest news is..... Drum roll please. The biopsy results came back benign! That's right o just have a hitch hicker in my neck. I don't have cancer which is amazing. I have to go back in a year for another scan and to make sure that it doesn't turn the other cheek and become a jerk. That bein. Said The cyst has started to fill again. Amazing I know. But what does that mean? It means that I eventually need to make another appointment with my ENT to get it looked at and either drained, or removed. Who knows. But again good news is that it's just a hitch hicker.

What else? What else? Have you ever felt like ther is so much you want to say but then nothing comes to mind? That's me , at this very second. This has been sitting and waiting to be posted for probably 4 weeks. And I have opened it and looked at it. The little curser has blinked at me like " hey finish me" but I just haven't felt like there was a way to end this post. So right now I am sitting with my best guy. We are watching the good dinasour. He is eating a cookie , and I am typing away.  It's funny how quickly a toddler will change his mind. Now he is outside splashing in a puddle. Not a worry in the world. And he's having a blast! I want to be like him when I grow up. So happy and full of love.

I will try to be more regular, and hopefully I will find a way to dedicate myself to this better. It's not gonna be what I want it to be without me. So it's time to figure it all out I guess.


Until next time...

Sometimes people....

...suck and its okay!

Ive been thinking of what i want to post today. And i have a few other blogs in mind. But I guess what i want to do is a write a letter to me. A letter my older self. Like a this is where i am now letter. I feel like Brad Paisley....

So... here goes....

Oh hey!


This is awkward but that's okay. We are pretty awkward most of the time. Its what makes us adorable. This isn't going to be much of a letter but more of a words of advise from me to me at the ripe old age of 26. We have lived somethings that other people couldn't imagine. We have experienced loss, love, let down, parenthood and a host of other things. Its crazy to sit here now and think of the think i want you to remember when you look back at this, but here's the most important thing. Are you ready?

People suck, and its okay. They are going to hurt your feelings. They are going to make you laugh. Some of them will use you, and you may use some of them. But keep it real with them, Remind them where their place in your life is when you need to but always remember the proper place and time. You're going to make friends and lose friends, and some of them will be dicks to you without you having any idea why. Its okay, they have their reasons and honestly. Fuck'em, if that's how they want to be. It shows more about their character than it does yours. make sure you keep making time to date your husband. And keep that baby happy. Hes the center of our world, i think that's why we are writing this letter right now, this is everything i want to tell Magoo one day. You have the few true from high school , that actually stuck around. They are all getting married and it's wonderful your circle is growing embrace it all. Remember to make time for them even if its only a quick text saying hello. You'll realize how important it is to have the closeness of friends one day.

Remember to give everyone a chance. You don't know their story. Keep loving with all of your heart. Never ever let anyone make you feel inferior without your consent. And remember to not get eaten by a shark, you promised. Keep the closeness of family dear to your heart always. You were blessed with a big family, and it has grown since getting married remember to welcome all new members with open arms, they might not be blood but their yours now. Keep telling your self this too shall pass, and stop sweating the small stuff. There's a bigger picture you just have to take the time to notice it. Life's scary right now, its okay. The unknown is scary. You have that support you need. Embrace it.

Don't dwell, move on stop holding grudges. Again those people aren't worth it. If they love you today, they will love you 10 years form now, for different reasons. But in the end we are all getting out the same way. Stop worrying about who does what and embrace everyday like it is your last. laugh a little louder and love a lot stronger. You will love yourself more for it.

Be the wonderful,crazy, loud, a little strange and awkward person you have always been.

Keep kickin' ass, you're doing a great job so far.


Until next time....

Let's talk....

Listen I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me I promised that I wouldn't fall from the face of the earth. That I said I would stick to a schedule and then I just disappeared.

best snuggles ever

To be fair, you're right. But in my defense.... I was hogtied in the back of some van tired* see picture to the right.... And there's a little human that demands every bit of my attention when I am awake and let's be honest, He deserves all of that and more. And well I have a little story to tell you in order to make it all okay and for you to forget forgive the fact that I completely fell far from the face of the earth. There's a little back story and some suspense. I know what you're thinking. This is going to be so... Boring. And, well you're probably right. HOWEVER it's something I've wanted to do for a long time like years and I'll explain why I haven't and then we can all feel warm and fuzzy again inside?

So, whaddya say? Deal? Deal!

Okay so it all started in 2011, I went for my horrible dreaded   Wonderful annual exam, ladies you know what I'm saying, gents. You will NEVER understand. Anyway the doc was checking my throat and was like hmm I feel a lump. Now when I say lump it was a nice little friend. Not too big but not teeny tiny either. It was on the left side of my neck/throat and I have no idea how long it was hanging out.  She said lets make an appointment with your pcp to get that looked at,. Thus began the last 5 years of life. I went to a primary Doctor that recommended me to an endocrinologist. For those of you who don't know endocrinologists are specially trained physicians who diagnose diseases related to the glands. Now the first word she used was the scariest word I have ever heard. Cancer. She told me if it is cancer it's the easiest to cure they just cut it out and then I'm good to go. At first I was like ok this doctor isn't going to sugar coat anything. She's gonna give it to me straight. So we made the second appointment for a cat scan with contrast, which literally makes you feel like you are peeing your pants. Remember to pee first because you never know.

After the cat scan we made to appointment for the  second word that makes me nervous biopsy. I had 6 little needles stuck into my neck. But the bad boy on the left side of my neck decided to be a bitch and not cooperate. We tried to drain that guy twice. If you're counting that was sticks 4 and 5 stick number six was with an ultrasound to guide the needle into the mass.

Much to the doctors dismay Gretchen as she has been named since then was not filled with fluid, she was filled with mass and would drain. " well it's not hurting anything right now." Okay sure it's not even bothering me so we're good. I go back for the biopsy results which lets be honest if you hVe ever waited for biopsy results it's like the longest time of your life. You're waiting to hear the word benign. It's right up there with the words "happy hour is 2 for 1". Some of the best words you will heard or at least it was for me. But here's the thing. I hate going to Doctor. To be completely honest I only go now because I have a kid and my husband guilts me into it. Damn kid always making out to be a better person ;) .

Anyway, I went for a second opinion, because, I'm not that trusting of people. So the second opinion was amazing! Turns out I knew a ton of people that worked in the office which made me feel so comfortable to begin with. This doctor said lets get labs and an ultrasound to take a look. So that's what we did. She came back with the same answer. If it's not bothering you there's no rush to do anything. Of course if it gets bigger, then we wanna to look at it. Okay, cool.

This lump, goiter, nodule whatever it is has been a little hitchhiker since then. The problem is that now it's growing. After Magoo was born it increased drastically. But the catch is that if you don't know about it, you can't even see it.so Gretchen knows how to be discrete. What a bitch. Let's fast forward 4.5 years because we didn't do anything about Gretchen in the meantime. I went to a pcp in July of 2015. They did an ultrasound and took blood "oh yeah I see fluid and debris" ... Thanks, that's comforting. "But your thyroid is functioning just fine, but I want you to see an  ENT" again for those who don't know an ENT specializes in ears, nose and throat.  So this doctor says and I wish I was kidding "I'll just cut it out, and part of your thyroid and you'll do be fine, won't need any medication or anything" okay so I'm no expert, but I don't think it worlds like that. AND I'm moving 1000 miles away next week. He was totally cool with that. Then reminds me oh yeah but you have to pay 500 first then I'll do it. So thanks, but no thanks I'll wait. Gretchen has been with me since I was 21. We've bonded.

So now here we are, may of 2016 I have a new job with great health insurance and we are starting the process all over again. More labs and ultrasounds and ENT appointments and biopsies. And the word cancer was thrown back out there. So, do we think I have cancer, not so much right now. Is that a possibility ABSOLUTELY. Will we know anything until after the other word I hate, the biopsy, nope we won't. All I do know is that I have a tiny human, who depends on me to make sure that I am 100% at my best. So now we wait for the biopsy, and try not to think of the what if's and we STAY AWAY from Doctor Google. And focus all of my attention on Magoo, you remember him right?

Because it's a scary thing the unknown, but I know that I have an amazing support system regardless of what the biopsy says and regardless of weather I have the nasty c word or just have a hitchhiker forever.

I'm learning to find the positive side of everything. And that everything does happen for a reason. So I'm starting my story here, maybe there are others out there with the same experience. Welcome! Pull up some rug and hang out.

I'm not he best poster, but I'm Workin on that. Let's be patient okay.

I hope that little story will allow you to forgive me for being so rude and ignoring you for what feels like forever!

Until next time...

We had our first....

..Snow fall!

And my snow bunny was out there playing in the snow. He LOVED it!

It was super windy and also 7 at night. Bret was home with man flu... and all of a sudden it was a frickin winter wonderland outside.

We watched the snow for a good 10 minutes. Then we all got bundled up and went out to play. Bret watched from the door with his parent on face time to see Magoo in the snow for the first time. It was fun! I am a true winter baby! I love the snow and all things cold.

It made my week!


I will keep this one short just like the snow we had.


Until next time, say warm and...

Christmas was...

... so much fun!

Lets be honest..... this blog has been sitting neglected for the whole holiday season! I know, and I am sorry. But like we all say Life Happens right. Let me try to wrap our Christmas and new years here in a few short paragraphs. 

It was Magoo's first Christmas that he understood what was going on. We had the Elf on the shelf that we looked for every morning, and we taught him what Santa says "oh oh oh" he says it backwards but he's 1 and its adorable. (#don'tjudge)  Now I know all of the readers here don't celebrate Christmas. In my family we celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. The holiday's are about family. So whatever you celebrate, I hope you enjoyed it.

For Christmas Eve we usually have an open house, anyone that wants to stop by is more than welcome, we exchange gifts to brothers and sisters, or aunts and uncles that we wont see on Christmas. It is a tradition that we started years and years ago. We would all go to church and then come back to our house and everyone would visit with my Mam-Mom (grand-mom). We would have dinner and then once everyone left, hang our stockings, read the night before Christmas. This year was Bret and Magoo's first Christmas Eve with my family. We had lived in Florida for the past 3 years, so he got to experience a Christmas in PA. I tried to incorporate his families traditions to make  him a little more comfortable. I know how it is being far away from your family for the first holiday season. Its hard, it sucks, and you just don't want to.

Christmas, was Christmas. We woke up too early, opened presents that we got each other and for Magoo along with gifts sent from our family in Florida, then we went up to the kitchen and started cooking my breakfast casserole (recipe to come) . This was all before 7:30, I call that a Christmas miracle! Magoo held strong until around 1030 then he needed a nap and slept for a good 3 hours. He's getting so big!

Then we all opened presents and we relaxed. Fast forward 2 days and we had the Day after Day after Christmas party. It was great getting to hang out with some cousins that we haven't seen since the wedding. There were ugly Christmas sweaters, football and catch phrase. It was a really good time.


Now here I sit January 13th 2016 I cant believe that the holidays are over. But there are better things to come along this year! New Jobs, vacations, weddings, babies (not mine) but its all good things happening this year!

I hope 2016 is great for you too!

Until Next time...