Let's talk....

Listen I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me I promised that I wouldn't fall from the face of the earth. That I said I would stick to a schedule and then I just disappeared.

best snuggles ever

To be fair, you're right. But in my defense.... I was hogtied in the back of some van tired* see picture to the right.... And there's a little human that demands every bit of my attention when I am awake and let's be honest, He deserves all of that and more. And well I have a little story to tell you in order to make it all okay and for you to forget forgive the fact that I completely fell far from the face of the earth. There's a little back story and some suspense. I know what you're thinking. This is going to be so... Boring. And, well you're probably right. HOWEVER it's something I've wanted to do for a long time like years and I'll explain why I haven't and then we can all feel warm and fuzzy again inside?

So, whaddya say? Deal? Deal!

Okay so it all started in 2011, I went for my horrible dreaded   Wonderful annual exam, ladies you know what I'm saying, gents. You will NEVER understand. Anyway the doc was checking my throat and was like hmm I feel a lump. Now when I say lump it was a nice little friend. Not too big but not teeny tiny either. It was on the left side of my neck/throat and I have no idea how long it was hanging out.  She said lets make an appointment with your pcp to get that looked at,. Thus began the last 5 years of life. I went to a primary Doctor that recommended me to an endocrinologist. For those of you who don't know endocrinologists are specially trained physicians who diagnose diseases related to the glands. Now the first word she used was the scariest word I have ever heard. Cancer. She told me if it is cancer it's the easiest to cure they just cut it out and then I'm good to go. At first I was like ok this doctor isn't going to sugar coat anything. She's gonna give it to me straight. So we made the second appointment for a cat scan with contrast, which literally makes you feel like you are peeing your pants. Remember to pee first because you never know.

After the cat scan we made to appointment for the  second word that makes me nervous biopsy. I had 6 little needles stuck into my neck. But the bad boy on the left side of my neck decided to be a bitch and not cooperate. We tried to drain that guy twice. If you're counting that was sticks 4 and 5 stick number six was with an ultrasound to guide the needle into the mass.

Much to the doctors dismay Gretchen as she has been named since then was not filled with fluid, she was filled with mass and would drain. " well it's not hurting anything right now." Okay sure it's not even bothering me so we're good. I go back for the biopsy results which lets be honest if you hVe ever waited for biopsy results it's like the longest time of your life. You're waiting to hear the word benign. It's right up there with the words "happy hour is 2 for 1". Some of the best words you will heard or at least it was for me. But here's the thing. I hate going to Doctor. To be completely honest I only go now because I have a kid and my husband guilts me into it. Damn kid always making out to be a better person ;) .

Anyway, I went for a second opinion, because, I'm not that trusting of people. So the second opinion was amazing! Turns out I knew a ton of people that worked in the office which made me feel so comfortable to begin with. This doctor said lets get labs and an ultrasound to take a look. So that's what we did. She came back with the same answer. If it's not bothering you there's no rush to do anything. Of course if it gets bigger, then we wanna to look at it. Okay, cool.

This lump, goiter, nodule whatever it is has been a little hitchhiker since then. The problem is that now it's growing. After Magoo was born it increased drastically. But the catch is that if you don't know about it, you can't even see it.so Gretchen knows how to be discrete. What a bitch. Let's fast forward 4.5 years because we didn't do anything about Gretchen in the meantime. I went to a pcp in July of 2015. They did an ultrasound and took blood "oh yeah I see fluid and debris" ... Thanks, that's comforting. "But your thyroid is functioning just fine, but I want you to see an  ENT" again for those who don't know an ENT specializes in ears, nose and throat.  So this doctor says and I wish I was kidding "I'll just cut it out, and part of your thyroid and you'll do be fine, won't need any medication or anything" okay so I'm no expert, but I don't think it worlds like that. AND I'm moving 1000 miles away next week. He was totally cool with that. Then reminds me oh yeah but you have to pay 500 first then I'll do it. So thanks, but no thanks I'll wait. Gretchen has been with me since I was 21. We've bonded.

So now here we are, may of 2016 I have a new job with great health insurance and we are starting the process all over again. More labs and ultrasounds and ENT appointments and biopsies. And the word cancer was thrown back out there. So, do we think I have cancer, not so much right now. Is that a possibility ABSOLUTELY. Will we know anything until after the other word I hate, the biopsy, nope we won't. All I do know is that I have a tiny human, who depends on me to make sure that I am 100% at my best. So now we wait for the biopsy, and try not to think of the what if's and we STAY AWAY from Doctor Google. And focus all of my attention on Magoo, you remember him right?

Because it's a scary thing the unknown, but I know that I have an amazing support system regardless of what the biopsy says and regardless of weather I have the nasty c word or just have a hitchhiker forever.

I'm learning to find the positive side of everything. And that everything does happen for a reason. So I'm starting my story here, maybe there are others out there with the same experience. Welcome! Pull up some rug and hang out.

I'm not he best poster, but I'm Workin on that. Let's be patient okay.

I hope that little story will allow you to forgive me for being so rude and ignoring you for what feels like forever!

Until next time...

November means....

...Sharing what you are thankful for.

In all actuality we should remind everyone what we are thankful for all the time. But november having thanksgiving makes everyone a little more thankful.

I am going to try to post a thankful blog more than just in november. But lets be honest, that might not happen. You've all gathered that by now, huh?

Tonight, right now I am so thankful for my mom. We don't see eye to eye ALL the time. That is common with mothers and daughters. But next to my husband my mom is my best friend. I tell her everything, and once a day I say or do something that confirms it. I am just like my mom.

My mom ha shown me what it means to be a great mother. I am learning from the best! There is nothing better than knowing you have people in your corner at all times. I now as a mom understand the depth you can have for someone. I tell her all the time. I hope I'm half the mom you are. growing up we wanted for nothing. Mom always found a way to keep us happy. Granted it was in the 90's so having the latest ipad was not even a option. But mom showed us what family is about and what it means to put your kids first.

I know i do things to drive her absolutely insane, and vice versa. But that's how we work.

I couldn't imagine a better person to look up to and idealize. I hope I make her proud every day.

So for my first thankful post in the month of November, I am thankful for my mom.

Just be positive....

I have finally decided on a schedule, not for my life because that would be way too organized. But for this little hobby of mine. Now the trick is keeping the schedule. I have no idea why that seems to be difficult, its really not that hard. However I always find a way to not do it. Such a slacker.

I'm not even sure what I want to post about. I have like 18 different ideas rolling around in my noggin. None of them seem to be interesting enough to blog about. "A bunch of words about nothing" to quote my brother. With my terrible grammar I'm surprised anyone even reads this thing.  I guess that's what I want to write about, right now you are my diary. This isn't going to be a humorous post. I'm not feeling it, I haven't been in a very joking mood since I don't know. Probably Wednesday.

Yep, extremely appropriate.

Bret asked me today, whats wrong? Its not something that I can explain. I guess easiest way to explain it. I'm Tired. Its that simple. I'm tired of everything... I'm tired of negativity, silence and digs. Just let me be. Leave me alone. I am in a does not play well with others kind of mood. And that doesn't even mean that I am going to explode. It means the opposite. I want to just be alone. Sitting outside by myself for a while, or taking a walk. 

Is it because Magoo is turning one (I cant even)  possibly, it could also be PMS. I have so much to do its probably just the stress. I don't handle stress well. The things that are coming to my plate right now, aren't even things that I need to worry about. I'm a little busy.

I had three paragraphs typed out and then I  began to feel as though this is just a bitch fest... probably is. But its not anything that I can say out loud without being called a bitch, or a crybaby, or a Bridezilla. Not that any of those names aren't apt at the moment. They probably are all absolutely correct. I don't know, how do you explain to someone that you are tired of getting unsolicited comments and opinions. Or  questions that have been answered 3 or 4 times already and that you are on the verge of just crying because you don't know how else to get it all out. So you remain mostly silent because its just easier than dealing with the outcome.

Its jut not that easy for me to do that. Its easier to keep it all in. Withdraw and deal with my crap on my own.Its not like Im asking for much right now. Just support. That's it. Positive support. Stop all the negativity. I get it being negative and picking at other people make one feel better with situations they are dealing with. But, god damn just let it go. You will feel better, I promise!

Just be positive....

 I feel better, well a little anyway... Hopefully I can change my outlook by Friday. My baby boy is turning one, He is absolutely the best thing that I have ever done in my life...

Until Next Time....

Because the sun is shining...

... It really is a great day.

I was talking to my best friend and asked her, what should I blog about today, i need inspiration. she said you're getting married, blog about that. That is what Wednesday is for. So i decided to blog about how i am grateful.

I am grateful first and foremost that I woke up this morning. Because lets be honest. Thats always a sign of a great day. The sun was shining, my son was laughing and we had a few minutes to hang out... maybe i kept repeating, no, dnt do that. look its George. stop kicking me. just snuggle me. LET ME LOVE YOU. but it was our time.

I am grateful that my son is home with his dad during the day. I never went to daycare. I had the luck to be home with my mom and mam when i was little. I didn't need daycare. I am grateful that our schedules work out so that Magoo is home with daddy. Amd i am SUPER grateful that he has a daddy that is a really good daddy.

We have family around us. we have a lot of love and laughter surrounding us all the time. What more is there that one can ask for. I am so grateful that we had the opportunity to make this move and have a new start together.

I am going to marry my best friend, my rock and the only person that understands me by a look on my face. I am grateful that I found him 10 years ago

I am just happy to be where I am in my life, with my family and friends. Its good to every once in a while to step back and look at what you have. It could be worse, we are very lucky to be where we are.

Until next time...