So here we are again...

 ...it’s been just about a year. Are we surprised? No? me either... see the thing is I’ve wanted to write this blog for the longest time. And I’ve started it a million times and I’ve erased every word. Wanna know why? Because i feel shame with for how I’m feeling. I have an amazing husband and two kids who light up a room and I feel lonely. And even though I’m constantly surrounded by people and 98% of the time someone is physically touching me I feel alone. 

So then I started to try and figure out why that is, and it’s a depressing realization. I have my husband and I have a few friends here in Florida and a handful acquaintances but I don’t have anyone that I can pick up the phone and say “hey let’s go get a coffee”, or “I need a girls night I’m coming over” or “I need to go walk the beach you in”. But the sad realization hit me last night talking to B I don’t have a tribe. And the people that I do have that I know if I called them and said I need to talk and they would listen well they have their own shit going on they don’t need to be burdened with my ramblings. 

We lost my father in law 9 months ago, so I’ve been in caregiver mode. What does that mean for me? Pushing through getting up every day and working and taking care of the kids and trying to keep the stress off B because I’m sure he’s got a lot on his mind. So I take the brunt of what needs done and do it. I feel guilty the few times I go out and if I’m being honest I don’t go out because I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving him to parent the kids. Oh and add the guilt for being a SHITTY housewife and the constant mess that’s around. But no never voicing this to him because how can I feel guilty or down or sad, he lost his dad. That matters more right? I’m not allowed to be anything other than the caregiver right? 

I have a million reason to be the happiest person in the world, and on the surface I bet it looks like that, but I am so lonely and sad 98% of the time, I take it out on the kids then cry because I feel guilty for yelling at them or pushing them off on the tv.And a smile hides a lot. I have my escape of reading. In the last 4.5 months I have read over 100 books, for no other reason than to escape reality for a bit. How can I say those word out loud to someone? How can I say those words without someone wanting to drop me off at a loony bin? 

I guess the worst part is feeling like not one person would bat an eye if I wasn’t around. No, I’m not planning to off myself. This is not a call for help. I feel like if to faded to the background would anyone notice? What is it about me that makes me special to people? Why do I stand out for people to want me around? It can’t be my looks, and my personality sucks. I’m blunt, people don’t like that I say the hard things to your face that most people say behind your back. I feel like I’m very easily replaceable. I’m sure someone with a lot of letters will find something from my childhood to link that too. 

Idk what this means, I guess I just needed to get the words out because I can be a burden to this blog, it’s mine if you read it that’s your choice. It’s not me calling or texting you to listen to my bullshit, but I can tell you I feel like a weight has been lifted, I guess an outlet is good. Who knows.

Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. 

Life has been...

... a little rough lately, if I’m being honest. I’m sure you don’t remember that a few months back I   was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. Well let’s just say the holidays and all the fun (and family crap)  that comes along with it was extremely overwhelming. I thought i was handling it all ok until I took Chipmunk for her 6months update and they gave me the postpartum screening. I don’t remember my answers but the pediatrician checked in with me told me my numbers were higher this time for postpartum depression and anxiety and wanted to make sure I was ok. You guys, my hands started to shake, my heart started to race it was bananas. I have no problem talking about my anxiety when I start the conversation, but when someone else does. That’s a completely different story.

Now to say it’s been crazy is an understatement, we have had never ending colds, and sicknesses. I was in the Er with what we thought was a TIA or a mini stroke. Don’tworry your girls ok. The holidays happened and drama along with it as stated above. That can be wrapped up with I was raised by my mother who taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything st all. And I’ve been EXTREMELY silent. It’s scary. Then we hit a pothole the size of a small dog which dented the passenger side tires, we needed a tow, while waiting for said tow the battery died.i ran to get bret from the gym with the kids and came home to our front door open, the police determined it was the wind because I took the lessser of two evils and just closed the door, don’t worry we make sure it’s locked st all times now.

 It’s been a little too much, that I started to lose who I was I started to get depressed. How can I tell? Well for one I broke down the other night and told Bret that I can’t anymore, that if I didn’t HAVE to get up every day I wouldn’t. That I eat only because I’m nursing but I have no real desire to, and that not to be gross but it had been a solid 2 weeks since I had showered (at the time). It’s a strange place to be when you have never been there before. I ugly cried and my husband said to me, “it’s okay for you to talk to someone. Everyone needs it sometimes” you guys he told me it was OKAY to not be okay. I’ve said it before and I said it as often as I can.  It I hear it from an outside source. Do you have ANY idea how much that helped me? He then went and ran the shower and lovingly pushed me in the bathroom and held the door closed because... well sanitary issues and all.

So this week I turned the big 29, and I unleaded all of the latest on my best friend, my sister, my person. It took me so long to say anything to her because she has her own life and her own things going on. She doesn’t need my mess but she  told me ”you take a gut punch like a champ” then proceeded to tell me to get my shit together. But was WAY nicer than that. This girl gets me in a way that my husband never will understand and he is ok with it. She is the person that knows when I hesitate to answer a text excerpt the thoughts going through my head. She just knows. Even when I don’t say anything exactly what I need. And if you have a person like this in your life don’t ever let them go. They are the most precious people you will ever have. And I miss her dearly every single day.

So where was I going with this? Well I wanted to give you an update. Life is wild, and I’m trying my hardest to navigate it. I want to grow this blog to be more I was to do product reviews and I want to be a place where other moms can come and say that’s me! I am in that same boat. I want this to be a safe place. So let’s try that for a bit, shall we? I am hoping to get a few products to here to try out with the kids and around the house to review (all on my own because... gotta start somewhere) and we will go from there. Until I can I will keep you updated on how I’m doing and check in below leave me a comment, follow me on Instagram @chrissy_g1024 and let’s be friends!

Until next time!

I didn’t forget about you....

... but I gave run into some serious hiccups when it comes to getting ANY blogging done. So let’s start with the MOST important one, shall we?

We have 3 laptops in our house. ZERO of them are in working condition. Let me elaborate. My toshiba that I have had for 6years doesn’t hold a battery charge. And the charging cord doesn’t stay in when I plug it in. The keyboard works when it wants to. Legitimately doesn’t work all the time some letters work, some don’t. So it was doing it’s thing updating and we all know windows products are like “do not turn off while updating”  and I try my damndest not too because there are too many precious pictures on there to lose. Of course as fate would have it, the damn computer was updating and the table got bumped out comes the cord, remember it doesn’t stay in when plugged in, nor does it hold a charge. 2 guesses what happened.... yep it turned off. I have not been able to back it up to the last save SINCE THAT HAPPENED! My wedding pictures, my Magoo pictures from when he was a teeny tiny baby... gone. I can not get them! I have tried everything I can think of. Send me your tips and tricks for that because I just want my pictures back. I don’t care about the documents. I just want the pics.

So laptop #2 is a OLD HP like over windows 7 or windows XP years old... it has NO Internet connection, also battery doesn’t hold a charge. But with an external WiFi connector modem thing it gets WiFi AND the keyboard works. So guys. Ca you guess what happened to that one. Remember windows likes to take a million years to update, also holds no charge and “do not turn off while updating” ,  I’ll give you one guess. Yep it got unplugged or something while updating and now it won’t turn on. The limited pictures on there are now gone.

Laptop #3 is Brets, doesn’t hold a charge. Do we sense a pattern here? But works, it’s brets he claims it doesn’t. It’s not worth the argument of me trying to see if it does clearly I have terrible luck with laptops. So I’m not even gonna look at it. Plus I don’t think he knows where it is.

So here you have it. I have not forgotten about you. I have 2 month updates to get out to you, I have Christmas recipes. I have a  photo shoot post to make. But I have to do it all on my phone. Which let’s be honest. Not the best but it’s all I have.

Please bear with me. I’m trying!

Until next time,

Motherhood is...

...fishing your kids shit out of the tub.

Tonight was bath night. I attempt every other night with Magoo. He loved the bath, it was his favorite. Now? nope not going to happen. He starts to scream before i even get his clothes off. This is a new development. I think i figured it out though. A few weeks back while the tub was filling up he pulled the tab and on came the shower. Oh no no no no no, Magoo was not having that.

Tonight I tried a different tactic. Instead of running the water with him in the room, I started the water before he got in the tub, Well that worked, sorta. Once I got the water where it should be not too hot, not too cold. Just enough in the tub. now came the hard part. I had to undress the magoo, and then get him in the tub.

So I tried it slowly, I sat him on the side of the tub and wet his feet with the cup for a while. Then it was time to go. And he was not happy. He cried and told me ALL DONE. There is a video, I sent it to Nikki, it was so pathetic it was adorable. We had some cheering, and dancing and singing. and I was able to get him in the tub. It was great! Then he did it, there was a grunt, and floaters. Yep he took a shit right in the tub.*sigh* Now comes the fun part....

Of course I fished out the poo, Welcome to Motherhood, and you thought it was just diapers, vomit, and kisses. Boy were you wrong! This has happened twice at this point, which is no big deal. But this means I need to add more water. So we drain the tub and start the singing, cheering and dancing again. This worked through tears and screaming and more ALL DONE. But alas, Mommy won. Magoo got a bath, splashed, laughed, and had fun.

And as much as I hate to see my son cry, especially when it comes to his bath. I am that much happier that we were able to get him through the hard part... tonight at least. 

Tomorrow may be a different story. Only Time will tell.  

As always, until next time....

30 before 30...

Ive wanted to start a bucket list. I sorta have, but now I am giving myself a limit. 4 years, I am 25 will be 26 in January. I want to have this done by the time I am 30. If not all of it at least some. Now there is one big thing on here that we all know was just completed. I did get some ideas from bucketlist.org if you are needing some inspiration or some help.

1)Travel Abroad

2) Get Married

3)Run a 5k

4) Buy a house

5) Adopt a puppy

6) Go skydiving

7) Have a honeymoon

8) Lose 20 pounds

9) Grow my blog

10) Witness a proposal

11) Be a maid of honor

12) Treat someone to a Random Act of Kindness 

13) Go an entire week without social media

14) Visit the florida keys

15) Go ice skating at Rockefeller Center

16) Go horseback riding

17) Pay off my debt

18) Do a cleanse

19) Sew a quilt

20) Have a cousins reunion

21) Go on a girls only weekend

22) Send Bret to Tallahassee for a FSU game

23) Get a couples massage

24) Buy a NEW car

25) Have another baby

26) See the rockettes during Christmas

27) Vacation in California

28) Donate my hair

29) Serve food during the holidays

30) Start a new family tradition

So there we have it, my 30 before 30. I hope to have more and more checked off sooner rather than later. I cant wait to see how long it will take to complete. Hopefully its does turn into 40 before 40!

What's on your bucket list, or 30 before 30?

As always, until next time...