As I get older it’s getting harder to process and I’m not sure why. But I’ve been actively trying to keep busy otherwise I’m sitting and stare off and the memories play in my mind like a movie and if you’ve heard the story, well you’d get it. It’s one I’ve watched a lot. 19 years later and I can see details as if I were there again. But it’s different I’m watching as though I’m an outsider, im watching the 11 year old girl sitting in her dads car on Father’s Day and I can remember hearing that little voice “just go, there’s nothing back inside the house for you. Just go to your dads” I’m watching as though it’s not my house I walked into later that day, as if it’s not my house that the ambulance, fire truck and police cars are sitting in front of.
I’m watching those heart breaking scene play out where the crowd of neighbors start to gather and watch. No one wanting to ask directly what is going on. But they’ve all figured it out. That little girl who grew up REAL fast that day trying to make sense of what is happening, and yelling at everyone to just go back in your houses and to “mind your own damn business”. I relive the memories of that day in my mind once in a while but every year they flood in and there’s no stopping them. But like I said they play like a movie, maybe it’s a coping mechanism. But I can see the scene after the police leave, and the ambulance leaves and now it’s the waiting game. I can see that girl standing on her friends porch talking to them. But I can’t tell you what they talked about I have absolutely no idea. Then she looks at her cousin across the street on the phone , both girls look up the street and see it. The hearse, is on its way down the street. The girls share a look. That 11 year old crosses to her older cousin and they hold hands as they walk into a new phase of their lives.
Does that sounds incredibly dramatic? I’d call it traumatic but to each their own, it’s my memory. And it’s how I remember it. As I sit here and type this that smell I mentioned comes in and out. Could it be because I’m remembering the day you left? I have so many questions, and no one has the answers for me.
Mam, was it your voice that day telling me to just go down dads? Had you already passed away as I sat out front in the car. What would have happened if I came back inside the house could I have saved you that day? Because if I went back in then mom would have gone back in and you wouldn’t have been alone. Was it quick, you didn’t feel any pain did you? And that night at aunt Eileen’s it was you that hand I felt on my shoulder. The one I reached for but wasn’t there. It was you wasn’t it? I may have only been 11. But I remember things so clearly.
You know I talk about you to my kids. They know “On the Way to Cape May” and they both stare over my right shoulder. Addison still does and she stares like she sees someone there. It’s you isn’t it?
Julie told me about the dream she had where you were walking behind me with your hand on my right shoulder, but I never told her about that night.
No one tells you how to grieve, and no one tells you how after 19 years it can hit you hard how much you miss someone and how much you wish they were there to chat with. Everyone says it gets easier with time. That may be true, and most of the time I’d agree with you. but this year is hard maybe because I understand different things now that I didn’t know or understand before.
I didn’t expect to write this blog. I had a heavy heart and an attitude all day, tomorrow marks 19 years since you left. And damn it’s a hard one for me to live through. This was supposed to be a quick Instagram post but I guess I had more to say that I have never said before.
This ones for you ...
You looked so very pretty, when we met in Ocean City,
Like someone, oh, so easy to adore.
I sang this little ditty, on our way to Ocean City,
Heading south along New Jersey's shore.
On the way to Cape May, I fell in love with you.On the way to Cape May, I saw my dreams come true.I was taken by your smile, as we drifted by Sea Isle.My heart was really gone when we reached Avalon.On the way to Cape May, Stone Harbor's skies were blue.We were naming the day when Wildwood came in view.If you're gonna be my spouse, we'd better head for that Court HouseOn the way to Cape May,On the way to Cape May.Like someone, oh, so easy to adore.
I sang this little ditty, on our way to Ocean City,
Heading south along New Jersey's shore.
Until next time...
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