...it’s been just about a year. Are we surprised? No? me either... see the thing is I’ve wanted to write this blog for the longest time. And I’ve started it a million times and I’ve erased every word. Wanna know why? Because i feel shame with for how I’m feeling. I have an amazing husband and two kids who light up a room and I feel lonely. And even though I’m constantly surrounded by people and 98% of the time someone is physically touching me I feel alone.
So then I started to try and figure out why that is, and it’s a depressing realization. I have my husband and I have a few friends here in Florida and a handful acquaintances but I don’t have anyone that I can pick up the phone and say “hey let’s go get a coffee”, or “I need a girls night I’m coming over” or “I need to go walk the beach you in”. But the sad realization hit me last night talking to B I don’t have a tribe. And the people that I do have that I know if I called them and said I need to talk and they would listen well they have their own shit going on they don’t need to be burdened with my ramblings.
We lost my father in law 9 months ago, so I’ve been in caregiver mode. What does that mean for me? Pushing through getting up every day and working and taking care of the kids and trying to keep the stress off B because I’m sure he’s got a lot on his mind. So I take the brunt of what needs done and do it. I feel guilty the few times I go out and if I’m being honest I don’t go out because I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving him to parent the kids. Oh and add the guilt for being a SHITTY housewife and the constant mess that’s around. But no never voicing this to him because how can I feel guilty or down or sad, he lost his dad. That matters more right? I’m not allowed to be anything other than the caregiver right?
I have a million reason to be the happiest person in the world, and on the surface I bet it looks like that, but I am so lonely and sad 98% of the time, I take it out on the kids then cry because I feel guilty for yelling at them or pushing them off on the tv.And a smile hides a lot. I have my escape of reading. In the last 4.5 months I have read over 100 books, for no other reason than to escape reality for a bit. How can I say those word out loud to someone? How can I say those words without someone wanting to drop me off at a loony bin?
I guess the worst part is feeling like not one person would bat an eye if I wasn’t around. No, I’m not planning to off myself. This is not a call for help. I feel like if to faded to the background would anyone notice? What is it about me that makes me special to people? Why do I stand out for people to want me around? It can’t be my looks, and my personality sucks. I’m blunt, people don’t like that I say the hard things to your face that most people say behind your back. I feel like I’m very easily replaceable. I’m sure someone with a lot of letters will find something from my childhood to link that too.
Idk what this means, I guess I just needed to get the words out because I can be a burden to this blog, it’s mine if you read it that’s your choice. It’s not me calling or texting you to listen to my bullshit, but I can tell you I feel like a weight has been lifted, I guess an outlet is good. Who knows.
Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling.
