So here we are again...

 ...it’s been just about a year. Are we surprised? No? me either... see the thing is I’ve wanted to write this blog for the longest time. And I’ve started it a million times and I’ve erased every word. Wanna know why? Because i feel shame with for how I’m feeling. I have an amazing husband and two kids who light up a room and I feel lonely. And even though I’m constantly surrounded by people and 98% of the time someone is physically touching me I feel alone. 

So then I started to try and figure out why that is, and it’s a depressing realization. I have my husband and I have a few friends here in Florida and a handful acquaintances but I don’t have anyone that I can pick up the phone and say “hey let’s go get a coffee”, or “I need a girls night I’m coming over” or “I need to go walk the beach you in”. But the sad realization hit me last night talking to B I don’t have a tribe. And the people that I do have that I know if I called them and said I need to talk and they would listen well they have their own shit going on they don’t need to be burdened with my ramblings. 

We lost my father in law 9 months ago, so I’ve been in caregiver mode. What does that mean for me? Pushing through getting up every day and working and taking care of the kids and trying to keep the stress off B because I’m sure he’s got a lot on his mind. So I take the brunt of what needs done and do it. I feel guilty the few times I go out and if I’m being honest I don’t go out because I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving him to parent the kids. Oh and add the guilt for being a SHITTY housewife and the constant mess that’s around. But no never voicing this to him because how can I feel guilty or down or sad, he lost his dad. That matters more right? I’m not allowed to be anything other than the caregiver right? 

I have a million reason to be the happiest person in the world, and on the surface I bet it looks like that, but I am so lonely and sad 98% of the time, I take it out on the kids then cry because I feel guilty for yelling at them or pushing them off on the tv.And a smile hides a lot. I have my escape of reading. In the last 4.5 months I have read over 100 books, for no other reason than to escape reality for a bit. How can I say those word out loud to someone? How can I say those words without someone wanting to drop me off at a loony bin? 

I guess the worst part is feeling like not one person would bat an eye if I wasn’t around. No, I’m not planning to off myself. This is not a call for help. I feel like if to faded to the background would anyone notice? What is it about me that makes me special to people? Why do I stand out for people to want me around? It can’t be my looks, and my personality sucks. I’m blunt, people don’t like that I say the hard things to your face that most people say behind your back. I feel like I’m very easily replaceable. I’m sure someone with a lot of letters will find something from my childhood to link that too. 

Idk what this means, I guess I just needed to get the words out because I can be a burden to this blog, it’s mine if you read it that’s your choice. It’s not me calling or texting you to listen to my bullshit, but I can tell you I feel like a weight has been lifted, I guess an outlet is good. Who knows.

Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. 

Grief is strange...

...It starts with something simple, for me it’s the smell of the house. And it’s not a smell I can explain to anyone. It’s not a stale smell, it’s not a gross smell. It’s distinct, it’s a smell I smelled for weeks. To this day I will get a whiff and be transported back there, but now I choose to think that is when you are with me, really with me.

As I get older it’s getting harder to process  and I’m not sure why. But I’ve been actively trying to keep busy otherwise I’m sitting and stare off and the memories play in my mind like a movie and if you’ve heard the story, well you’d get it. It’s one I’ve watched a lot. 19 years later and I can see details as if I were there again. But it’s different I’m watching as though I’m an outsider, im watching the 11 year old girl sitting in her dads car on Father’s Day and I can remember hearing that little voice “just go, there’s nothing back inside the house for you. Just go to your dads” I’m watching  as though it’s not my house I walked into later that day, as if it’s not my house that the ambulance, fire truck and police cars are sitting in front of.

I’m watching those heart breaking scene play out where the crowd of neighbors start to gather and watch.  No one wanting to ask directly what is going on. But they’ve all figured it out. That little girl who grew up REAL fast that day trying to make sense of what is happening, and yelling at everyone to just go back in your houses and to “mind your own damn business”. I relive the memories of that day in my mind once in a while but every year they flood in and there’s no stopping them. But like I said they play like a movie, maybe it’s a coping mechanism. But I can see the scene after the police leave, and the ambulance leaves and now it’s the waiting game. I can see that girl standing on her friends porch talking to them. But I can’t tell you what they talked about I have absolutely no idea. Then she looks at her cousin across the street on the phone , both girls look up the street and see it. The hearse,  is on its way down the street. The girls share a look. That 11 year old crosses to her older cousin and they hold hands as they walk into a new phase of their lives.

Does that sounds incredibly dramatic? I’d call it traumatic but to each their own, it’s my memory. And it’s how I remember it. As I sit here and type this that smell I mentioned comes in and out. Could it be because I’m remembering the day you left? I have so many questions, and no one has the answers for me.

Mam, was it your voice  that day telling me to just go down dads? Had you already passed away as I sat out front in the car.  What would have happened if I came back inside the house could I have saved you that day? Because if I went back in then mom would have gone back in and you wouldn’t have been alone. Was it quick, you didn’t feel any pain did you? And that night at aunt Eileen’s it was you  that hand I felt on my shoulder. The one I reached for but wasn’t there. It was you wasn’t it? I may have only been 11. But I remember things so clearly.

You know I talk about you to my kids. They know “On the Way to Cape May” and they both stare over my right shoulder. Addison still does and she stares like she sees someone there. It’s you isn’t it?
Julie told me about the dream she had where you were walking behind me with your hand on my right shoulder, but I never told her about that night.

No one tells you how to grieve, and no one tells you how after 19 years it can hit you hard how much you miss someone and how much you wish they were there to chat with. Everyone says it gets easier with time. That may be true, and most of the time I’d agree with you. but this year is hard maybe because I understand different things now that I didn’t know or understand before.

I didn’t expect to write this blog. I had a heavy heart and an attitude all day, tomorrow marks 19 years since you left. And damn it’s a hard one for me to live through. This was supposed to be a quick Instagram post but I guess I had more to say that I have never said before.

This ones for you ...

You looked so very pretty, when we met in Ocean City,
Like someone, oh, so easy to adore.
I sang this little ditty, on our way to Ocean City,
Heading south along New Jersey's shore.

On the way to Cape May, I fell in love with you.On the way to Cape May, I saw my dreams come true.I was taken by your smile, as we drifted by Sea Isle.My heart was really gone when we reached Avalon.On the way to Cape May, Stone Harbor's skies were blue.We were naming the day when Wildwood came in view.If you're gonna be my spouse, we'd better head for that Court HouseOn the way to Cape May,On the way to Cape May.

Until next time...

Life has been...

... a little rough lately, if I’m being honest. I’m sure you don’t remember that a few months back I   was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety. Well let’s just say the holidays and all the fun (and family crap)  that comes along with it was extremely overwhelming. I thought i was handling it all ok until I took Chipmunk for her 6months update and they gave me the postpartum screening. I don’t remember my answers but the pediatrician checked in with me told me my numbers were higher this time for postpartum depression and anxiety and wanted to make sure I was ok. You guys, my hands started to shake, my heart started to race it was bananas. I have no problem talking about my anxiety when I start the conversation, but when someone else does. That’s a completely different story.

Now to say it’s been crazy is an understatement, we have had never ending colds, and sicknesses. I was in the Er with what we thought was a TIA or a mini stroke. Don’tworry your girls ok. The holidays happened and drama along with it as stated above. That can be wrapped up with I was raised by my mother who taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything st all. And I’ve been EXTREMELY silent. It’s scary. Then we hit a pothole the size of a small dog which dented the passenger side tires, we needed a tow, while waiting for said tow the battery died.i ran to get bret from the gym with the kids and came home to our front door open, the police determined it was the wind because I took the lessser of two evils and just closed the door, don’t worry we make sure it’s locked st all times now.

 It’s been a little too much, that I started to lose who I was I started to get depressed. How can I tell? Well for one I broke down the other night and told Bret that I can’t anymore, that if I didn’t HAVE to get up every day I wouldn’t. That I eat only because I’m nursing but I have no real desire to, and that not to be gross but it had been a solid 2 weeks since I had showered (at the time). It’s a strange place to be when you have never been there before. I ugly cried and my husband said to me, “it’s okay for you to talk to someone. Everyone needs it sometimes” you guys he told me it was OKAY to not be okay. I’ve said it before and I said it as often as I can.  It I hear it from an outside source. Do you have ANY idea how much that helped me? He then went and ran the shower and lovingly pushed me in the bathroom and held the door closed because... well sanitary issues and all.

So this week I turned the big 29, and I unleaded all of the latest on my best friend, my sister, my person. It took me so long to say anything to her because she has her own life and her own things going on. She doesn’t need my mess but she  told me ”you take a gut punch like a champ” then proceeded to tell me to get my shit together. But was WAY nicer than that. This girl gets me in a way that my husband never will understand and he is ok with it. She is the person that knows when I hesitate to answer a text excerpt the thoughts going through my head. She just knows. Even when I don’t say anything exactly what I need. And if you have a person like this in your life don’t ever let them go. They are the most precious people you will ever have. And I miss her dearly every single day.

So where was I going with this? Well I wanted to give you an update. Life is wild, and I’m trying my hardest to navigate it. I want to grow this blog to be more I was to do product reviews and I want to be a place where other moms can come and say that’s me! I am in that same boat. I want this to be a safe place. So let’s try that for a bit, shall we? I am hoping to get a few products to here to try out with the kids and around the house to review (all on my own because... gotta start somewhere) and we will go from there. Until I can I will keep you updated on how I’m doing and check in below leave me a comment, follow me on Instagram @chrissy_g1024 and let’s be friends!

Until next time!

I didn’t forget about you....

... but I gave run into some serious hiccups when it comes to getting ANY blogging done. So let’s start with the MOST important one, shall we?

We have 3 laptops in our house. ZERO of them are in working condition. Let me elaborate. My toshiba that I have had for 6years doesn’t hold a battery charge. And the charging cord doesn’t stay in when I plug it in. The keyboard works when it wants to. Legitimately doesn’t work all the time some letters work, some don’t. So it was doing it’s thing updating and we all know windows products are like “do not turn off while updating”  and I try my damndest not too because there are too many precious pictures on there to lose. Of course as fate would have it, the damn computer was updating and the table got bumped out comes the cord, remember it doesn’t stay in when plugged in, nor does it hold a charge. 2 guesses what happened.... yep it turned off. I have not been able to back it up to the last save SINCE THAT HAPPENED! My wedding pictures, my Magoo pictures from when he was a teeny tiny baby... gone. I can not get them! I have tried everything I can think of. Send me your tips and tricks for that because I just want my pictures back. I don’t care about the documents. I just want the pics.

So laptop #2 is a OLD HP like over windows 7 or windows XP years old... it has NO Internet connection, also battery doesn’t hold a charge. But with an external WiFi connector modem thing it gets WiFi AND the keyboard works. So guys. Ca you guess what happened to that one. Remember windows likes to take a million years to update, also holds no charge and “do not turn off while updating” ,  I’ll give you one guess. Yep it got unplugged or something while updating and now it won’t turn on. The limited pictures on there are now gone.

Laptop #3 is Brets, doesn’t hold a charge. Do we sense a pattern here? But works, it’s brets he claims it doesn’t. It’s not worth the argument of me trying to see if it does clearly I have terrible luck with laptops. So I’m not even gonna look at it. Plus I don’t think he knows where it is.

So here you have it. I have not forgotten about you. I have 2 month updates to get out to you, I have Christmas recipes. I have a  photo shoot post to make. But I have to do it all on my phone. Which let’s be honest. Not the best but it’s all I have.

Please bear with me. I’m trying!

Until next time,

Mommy Monday...

.... Makeup edition....or relearning how to wear makeup again edition.

However you want to look at it I havent been consistant with wearing makeup for at least 4 years. I used to HAVE to wear it.

Now I dont have to. But I want too. Here lies the problem. I swear anything I knew about makeup has been replaced with nursery rhymes and kids songs.

So now I find myself trying to figure out how to wear makeup that doesn't feel like im wearing makeup AND something that I can do in the car in 10 minutes before i take Chipmunk in.

So last night at 1030 pm I found myself watching youtube tutorials trying to figure out how to wear makeup without "looking like" i am. I guess thats the natural look... Here is what im finding eyebrows are inportant. Who knew? Oh and also NOT putting eyeliner in your water line makes you look more awake and open.

So then I tried makeup. I used highlighters and concealer and foundation. It was not a good look for me. After I wiped it off Bret looked at me and said "oh theres my wife. That was too much. You looked fake" So then i decided to go back to basics and use what i know. I got out my Bare Minerals. Girl... swirl, tap, and buff that stuff right on there. SPF built right into it and it LITERALLY takes 5 mins to do.

www.bareminerals.com

I am not getting paid to tell you any of this(ALTHOUGH...I am open to that.. Bare minerals help a sister out 😉)

I packed my makeup bag(😂 listen to me) and put it in my work bag. To get ready for this morning. Did our normal mad dash around the house before dropping Bret off. Then we headed to chipmunks school. I got out my makeup. Swirl, tap, buff... And eyebrows and boom we were done. I thought I looked like this.

But this is what we actually looked like.

I felt self conscious all day. The beautiful thing about Bare Minerals is that you dont even feel like you're wearing makeup. By the end of the day i felt a little more confident. You know what. I think I'll do it again tomorrow!

If youre like me and want something easy, and light with an SPF look into Bare Minerals. If you arent sure if your shade go get color matched. It is so worth it! Also if you have any tips on easy makeup looks let me know. Im always open to learning new things... Next we tackle the rats nest to make it look presentable, and ditch the ponytail/mombun.

Until next time....

Living with Postpartum...

...Anxiety. The lesser talked about but more common than you would think postpartum syndrome. About 6% of pregnant women and 10% of postpartum women develop anxiety. You guys i'm going to be completely honest here, just sitting here writing out that first two sentences, my hands are shaking and my arms feel weak. My heart is racing and I don't want to keep going. But I need to be honest with this thing, this is going to be long, but I am going to try my best to keep it all contained and get through it as best as I can with the details I feel are most important. There might be other moms out there who are living with it and don't know it. Or they do know it and want to find other moms who they can relate to.
*Now I do want to let this be known, I did not self diagnose, I waited until I saw my OB and we discussed a treatment plan  before I decided to make this post. I do not want anyone to read this and think that I am offering medical advise, I am not. This is simply for you to see my experiences so far, and if it is something you are also feeling and just couldn't put into words I want this to serve as your opening to seek medical treatment.

I don't typically have anxiety, I have never been an anxious person. crowds never bothered me, going places doing things I was good. With Magoo I didn't have any type of anxiety, I was good the whole time. After he was born I wasn't worried about Postpartum depression, or the baby blues. I didn't even know what the baby blues were. I knew of Postpartum Depression, but I didn't know anyone who suffered from experienced it. I refuse to use the word "suffered" because we aren't suffering we are living with and experiencing it. So anyway back to what I was saying. With him it was pretty textbook, it was an exciting time and I had no worries before, during or after his pregnancy. Even when nursing and pumping were starting to become a struggle. It was all good. So I had nothing to base this time around on.

When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. Heart breaking tears of sadness for the ending of my season of being a mom of 1. I didn't want Magoo to feel "shafted". I was EXREMELY grateful to be pregnant and to be bringing another little life into our family. But I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to share my time with Magoo, and I did not know how to double the love that I have for him to a second person. I didn't think it was possible. It took I want to say 6 months before I could talk about it without crying. That is when my excitement took over. I couldn't wait to see Magoo with his sister. But the first 6 months I was so scared that I would develop Postpartum Depression. I was hyper aware of my feelings. Once Chipmunk was born and she met her brother I was ready to go home and be with my babies. I was on cloud 9. Lets see, she was born on a Monday. I went home on Thursday so Wednesday was my first emotional day. I remember sitting in my hospital bed, Chipmunk was in her bassinet thing, and I was trying not to cry. Bret and I were talking and I told him "I miss Magoo and I want to go home" and I cried, again that heart breaking cry, I couldn't talk about it because I would just cry every time I thought of it. I just wanted to be home with my babies. Before we were discharged the nurse went over things to watch for. The "warning signs". I didn't give them a second listen I didn't have it with him so ill be fine.

We came home Thursday, Friday we had a weight check. Saturday I sent Bret out with his friends to go golfing (it was prearranged and I was not letting him cancel) My mom came down to help me with the kids. This is where I think the signs started to show. I have a big family. Collectively 40  aunts and uncles, and over 40 first cousins. Being around people is nothing new to me. We had family come down to see the baby, which is no big deal, I wanted them to meet her. But what I wasn't expecting was to be so completely overwhelmed just sitting on the couch. That's all I was doing. was sitting but I had the feeling that I needed to get away. So mom sent me up to "rest" and as soon as I got into my room I sat on the bed and cried. Why was I feeling so overwhelmed? Its not like I wasn't used to being around people. Then I cried harder because I felt bad that I was so overwhelmed. Bret and Mom assured me that it was just because I had just had a baby and it was a lot going on.

I had a blood pressure check that next week, I went up to get a shower. I stood in the shower for 20 minutes with my face under the water crying, I don't know why I was crying. All I can say is I was sad. No particular reason I was just sad and I was bawling my eyes out in the shower. From there it turned into not wanting to go places with the kids. Places that I have always gone to and feel safe at because something might happen to them and I didn't want that to happen. The idea of leaving the house with the kids would make my heart feel like a rush of blood coming from it, it would leave me breathless and exhausted when it was done. I now know that they are panic attacks. But I never said anything to anyone. I would keep it all in and try to ignore it.

The straw that broke the camels back so to speak was a few weeks ago, Labor Day weekend and the following week. Magoo fell down the stairs, I stumbled down the stairs, I was in a boot, we got into a fender bender, then  He tripped when we were playing and knocked his head on the floor. That was it. every time I closed my eyes I could see him falling, then it was chipmunk hitting her head on the floor. We have carpet. everywhere. But it doesn't stop me from worrying that it will happen. Or when Magoo tosses a toy or his shoes down the steps I think its him. Even last night, I was putting Chipmunk on the floor to change her and started to get nervous, it makes me move so slowly with her.


Now I had trouble explaining how I was feeling, because everything I looked up pointed to Postpartum Depression. But that's not how I am feeling, I'm not sad. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm worried about the "what ifs". It took me 2 weeks to tell Bret that something was off. I couldn't explain it better than I'm afraid that something is going to hurt the kids. Not me, not a person but something. Then I talked to my mom. and told her the same thing. I made a doctors appointment with my OB. We talked about what was going on and she assured me that it is so common for people to have Postpartum Anxiety. And there are steps to help me cope with it. There is going to talk to someone who will help basically redirect my though process so that I don't have the "scary" thoughts, and there is medication. I chose the first route. I don't want to take medication yet. I want to try other avenues first.

Mental health is nothing to ignore. If you think you are having any symptoms talk to someone. That is the one thing I have been doing the most, talking about how  I'm feeling. I don't want it to get the best of me, and I don't want it to steal this time away from my kids. So now we are on this journey together. I will keep updating on how things are going. This is a WHOLE new world for me, and talking about it makes me shaky but I want to let it be known that its OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. and its Okay to talk about!

Please if you need someone to talk to reach out, I'll be that person for you.

But what about the Poop...

.... is the biggest question I get when we tell people that we cloth diaper. That and "Oh no that will never last, you'll buy regular diapers soon". Oh, oh, and "I could never touch poop it would make me gag."

Lets be real, when you think of cloth diapers you think of the pins, and diaper services, and 1952. Cloth diapers have come such a far way from then. When Magoo was born I toyed with the idea of doing cloth diapers. But in the end we did what was "easier". I kick myself every day when I think of the money that we literally threw away, covered in poo. Instead of it being washed and reused. To be fair and honest we didn't have an apartment with laundry in the unit until I was 8.5 months pregnant with Magoo, and had already purchased "sposies" at that time. And we didn't know ANYTHING about it. My brother in law was doing cloth for his daughter at the time but we were young and didn't now any better. We do now, and would never go back.


Why did we decide to cloth Chipmunk? Well that's really easy to explain, we were trying to find any way we could save money with having 2 kids that we would be putting in daycare. Between life bills and daycare, adding an additional $200 or more a moth in diapers was not in the cards. We needed to find a way to make it all work, and that's when I really started doing my research into cloth diapers. Also they are so fa-reaking adorable!

Is it hard to Cloth diaper?
    Nope! Its just doing another load of laundry. Now of course there can be hiccups when it comes to washing your cloth diapers. For instance you need to check if you have hard water, and you need to have a good washing routine. Without a good wash routine  you will not love cloth diapers. They will stink, or they wont hold in the pee and poo anymore. You can strip your diapers, they tell you not to do it too often because it will bread down the diapers. We bought some pre-loved diapers. I did a bleach soak on them in cold water, then in HOT water I rinsed them off. Threw them in the washer on HOT and did a wash. They are basically brand new. If you really think about it, its not hard. Its just another load or two of laundry a week. I don't know about you, but Id rather pay slightly more for electricity. Instead of paying an extra 200.00 or more a month for something you're only going to throw away. I'm going to be completely honest here. We were gifted disposable diapers, and we used disposable diapers in the hospital. I was SCARED to switch from what I knew and was used to, to trying something new that no one else in my circle of family or friends used. But we weren't buying disposable diapers so I had to suck it up and use the diapers we had.
But really, what about the poop? So I breastfeed Chipmunk, because well again the price was right.(I am going to do another post all about our nursing journey soon, so stay tuned.) And EBF (Exclusively Breast Fed) poop is completely water soluble. Which means I just throw it in the washer, do a pre wash with half a cap of  laundry detergent, then a full wash with 1.5 caps of detergent in HOT water. and its all gone. We have no stinks at all. We do have one or two diapers that stain, but let me tell you the BEST stain lifer we have ever used and it was completely free.... the Sun. Yep we just pulled a diaper out of the washer and then laid it out in the sun and BOOM all the stains were gone. it was amazeballs! Once she is on solids we will plop the poop in the toilet and flush it away just like  everyone else does with their poop.

Why buy the fancy ones if you're going to cover them? Well, what do your underwear look like? Its pretty much the same thing. Only her cloth diapers can double as pants. once she is bigger ill throw on some baby legs (if you know where I can get any, leave me a comment) and a t shirt and she will be good to go. Right now if she's not in jammies or a onesie she's just in a diaper. Let me tell you, I read about the clot diaper addiction, and was like yeah... ok.... sure you are addicted to buying them. IT HAPPENS. I am currently on the hunt for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She needs to have holiday diapers. I also am looking to get away from using pockets as much and want to use some AIO's (all in ones). There are different types and fabrics to use, and inserts, and then there are flats and covers. There is so much to talk about when it comes to Cloth diapers. I never would have imagined in a million years that I would be blogging about cloth dipers, but here I am. I plan to do another post on the different types that we have used and which ones are my favorites and why, so stay tuned for that as well!

Okay I think I have bored you all to death gone on long enough about why we use cloth diapers and what we do with the poop. If you are thinking about doing cloth diapers for your kids DO IT, you wont regret it. Even if your family turns their noses up to it and they tell you " you'll never be able to do it, you'll be using regular diapers within a week" keep with it just to show them they are wrong.

If you are interested in having Chipmunk as a brand rep for your diapers leave me a comment!